When not to Fart:
1. In a crowded elevator
2. On a crowded bus
3. In a public library
4. While on a date
5. While giving a speech
6. In church
7. In a crowded classroom
8. In your office when you're alone - someone's bound to walk in immediately afterwards
9. In a movie theater
10. In your cubicle at work - again someone's bound to walk in to visit
11. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while
12. In an commercial airplane
13. In a ticket line
14. In your car before picking up a family member
15. during confession
16. In bed when you're feeling frisky
17. In a Cessna
18. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation
When to Fart:
1. In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip-Make sure it's a silent one.
2. In a bathroom
3. In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things
4. In an empty elevator before you get off
5. Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied.
6. In someone elses unoccupied cubicle at work
7. While parachuting
8. While scuba diving
9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested
10. During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated
11. In your car if you've been carjacked
12. In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting their turn.
13. In your car once you've been pulled over. The cop may let you go quicker.
14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors
15. While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know who to blame.
When To Fart and When not to
"Brent's Bean Bombs"
It might have been the bean dip, it might have been the salsa. The 8 hard-boiled eggs were contributors… as were the prunes. Regardless of what it was... Brent had gas. Killer gas. That kind of gas that makes your eyes water. A noxious frontal attack on the olfactory sensors. Brent smiled. He was so proud of his newly acquired talent.
Brent first realized he had killer gas that morning as he lay in bed. He squeaked one off and then fluffed the covers so he could give it the “sniff” test. The smell that hit his nose caused an immediate shutdown of all breathing. The cat left the room as if shot from a cannon. His butt burned.
Perfect.
Brent jumped into his car and drove to his job. Oh what fun he would have today. As he drove into the parking lot, he ripped one off deep into the car seat. Before he could turn off the engine, the noxious fumes brought tears to his eyes. He leaped from the car and slammed the door trapping the gas inside.
As he walked to the elevator, he once again had the need to fart. Good. He was alone in the elevator. He’d leave a “gift” for the next unfortunate slob who jumped in. Holding his breath, he let loose with 3 feet of mustard gas. Brent jumped from the elevator when the doors opened and hid behind a potted plant. From here… he could see who got in the elevator next. It was a professor. As the man stepped in… the elevator doors started to close... Brent could hear the guy scream “Oh My God!” “What in the hell died in here?” the doors shut.
Sitting in the open area, Brent hummed to himself as he typed away at the keyboard. There were other people around him but the partitions gave him a small degree of privacy. Lifting his right leg... Brent let loose a silent killer. At first there was no reaction. Brent could smell it but it hadn’t made its way to anyone else. Suddenly there was a frantic shuffling of chairs followed by a the shriek of a woman’s voice “Oh my God!” “Who just loaded their diapers?” “Oh my God... I can’t breath.” This was followed by a frantic attempt to flee the office. From there… it was a domino affect as each person in each cubical suddenly was exposed to the fumes. Brent was in tears laughing so hard.
Not to put blame on himself, Brent quickly jumped up and pointed at the cheesy little computer nerd in the cubical next to his and screamed “It was Tom! Tom did it”. Brent then joined the scared huddled group gathered in the hallway and further fanned the flames that Tom was the culprit.
As the hours ticked away, it became harder and harder to find a place in the building where one could breathe. Fumes oozed everywhere. Several people called the EPA and a few others took the rest of the day off sick. Brent enjoyed his workday until OSHA closed the building. As Brent opened the door to his car, the smell of stale fart hit him in the face. Brent quickly jumped into the car and closed the door. He’d enjoy the smell on the way home. But first... a stop at the store. Maybe some beans beer, eggs and salsa.
The End.
It might have been the bean dip, it might have been the salsa. The 8 hard-boiled eggs were contributors… as were the prunes. Regardless of what it was... Brent had gas. Killer gas. That kind of gas that makes your eyes water. A noxious frontal attack on the olfactory sensors. Brent smiled. He was so proud of his newly acquired talent.
Brent first realized he had killer gas that morning as he lay in bed. He squeaked one off and then fluffed the covers so he could give it the “sniff” test. The smell that hit his nose caused an immediate shutdown of all breathing. The cat left the room as if shot from a cannon. His butt burned.
Perfect.
Brent jumped into his car and drove to his job. Oh what fun he would have today. As he drove into the parking lot, he ripped one off deep into the car seat. Before he could turn off the engine, the noxious fumes brought tears to his eyes. He leaped from the car and slammed the door trapping the gas inside.
As he walked to the elevator, he once again had the need to fart. Good. He was alone in the elevator. He’d leave a “gift” for the next unfortunate slob who jumped in. Holding his breath, he let loose with 3 feet of mustard gas. Brent jumped from the elevator when the doors opened and hid behind a potted plant. From here… he could see who got in the elevator next. It was a professor. As the man stepped in… the elevator doors started to close... Brent could hear the guy scream “Oh My God!” “What in the hell died in here?” the doors shut.
Sitting in the open area, Brent hummed to himself as he typed away at the keyboard. There were other people around him but the partitions gave him a small degree of privacy. Lifting his right leg... Brent let loose a silent killer. At first there was no reaction. Brent could smell it but it hadn’t made its way to anyone else. Suddenly there was a frantic shuffling of chairs followed by a the shriek of a woman’s voice “Oh my God!” “Who just loaded their diapers?” “Oh my God... I can’t breath.” This was followed by a frantic attempt to flee the office. From there… it was a domino affect as each person in each cubical suddenly was exposed to the fumes. Brent was in tears laughing so hard.
Not to put blame on himself, Brent quickly jumped up and pointed at the cheesy little computer nerd in the cubical next to his and screamed “It was Tom! Tom did it”. Brent then joined the scared huddled group gathered in the hallway and further fanned the flames that Tom was the culprit.
As the hours ticked away, it became harder and harder to find a place in the building where one could breathe. Fumes oozed everywhere. Several people called the EPA and a few others took the rest of the day off sick. Brent enjoyed his workday until OSHA closed the building. As Brent opened the door to his car, the smell of stale fart hit him in the face. Brent quickly jumped into the car and closed the door. He’d enjoy the smell on the way home. But first... a stop at the store. Maybe some beans beer, eggs and salsa.
The End.
People will forget what you said... and people will forget what you did... but people will never forget how you made them feel.
.
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mountainman
- SG VIP
- Posts: 15451
- Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2000 12:00 am
- Location: Colorado
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mountainman
- SG VIP
- Posts: 15451
- Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2000 12:00 am
- Location: Colorado
dude, when in Richmond?mountainman wrote:But I did neither in Ohio.
Skydive = Richmond, IN (ok ok... 1 mile from OH)
SCUBA = Aruba (probably didn't float that far north... but may be the reason for smog in Miami?)
Every normal man must be tempted at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
I often wonder if the voices in my head ever get frustrated because I'm just too damn lazy to climb that clock tower.
[IMGO]http://www.volcanoesigs.com/inferno-09- ... 200-80.png[/IMGO]
I often wonder if the voices in my head ever get frustrated because I'm just too damn lazy to climb that clock tower.
[IMGO]http://www.volcanoesigs.com/inferno-09- ... 200-80.png[/IMGO]
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mountainman
- SG VIP
- Posts: 15451
- Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2000 12:00 am
- Location: Colorado
mountainman wrote:What do you mean?
When did I skydive? or when did I fart while I skydived?
I've been jumping there since 2001. I forgot to log the gas in my logbook.
oh ok i assumed you lived there...and just the skydive man
Every normal man must be tempted at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
I often wonder if the voices in my head ever get frustrated because I'm just too damn lazy to climb that clock tower.
[IMGO]http://www.volcanoesigs.com/inferno-09- ... 200-80.png[/IMGO]
I often wonder if the voices in my head ever get frustrated because I'm just too damn lazy to climb that clock tower.
[IMGO]http://www.volcanoesigs.com/inferno-09- ... 200-80.png[/IMGO]