We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the work-poop is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, please read the following.
This is the survival guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out the bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or peeing in the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to a farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes everyone uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is sometimes a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just happened.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, its best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. The PFN group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the Out of the Closet Poopers, and help identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom while you are pooping.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves to avoid any uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants to the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, and to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will relinquish all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water, often accompanied by ESCAPEES and JAILBREAKS. Try using a CAMO-COUGH/ASTAIRE combination.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
Following the above guidelines can help us all have easier pooping-at-work experiences. Happy Crapping!
