Friendship Opinion

[monkeyhead]

I told my friend that I think some things she's been doing lately aren't so good and that I don't think she's very happy right now but what she is doing isn't making her any happier. Now she's mad at me because I'm "criticizing" her and she says that I just think I'm better than everyone and that I think everyone should be like me. I told her that I was being critical because she is a good friend that I love and care about, and I think when a friend is doing something stupid, a friend would say something about it. But she thinks I'm wrong for doing this and instead she's telling me I have a big ego and that I am judgemental. I realize that not everyone is going to be like me and have the same values/morals, but don't you think a person should step in and same something if his/her friend is doing something that is potentially detrimental? Am I wrong here? Should I just keep my mouth shut and support her like she says, in whatever she does?

[DaddyLongLeg]

Not sure what she's doing but I think you did the right thing. Especially if it's harmful physically, both to her and/or to someone else. Your a good friend

[Spammy]

Alot of times when you try to give friends advise or constructive criticism they take it wrong, you did the right thing she will notice that in the near future.

Keep being a good friend

[Valentine1956]

You did the right thing....true friends tell us the truth all the time, not just what we want to hear.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You're a true friend.

[ScottE]

Women are crazy.

[Blisster]

so I'm guessing that you aren't the original monkeyhead, am i rite?

[Spammy]

so I'm guessing that you aren't the original monkeyhead, am i rite?

It is his girlfriend he went into basic training.

She is using his account.

But she should make her own account. Like Mrs. Monkeyhead

[CableDude]

so I'm guessing that you aren't the original monkeyhead, am i rite?

ZOMG!

[Lefty]

I just went through this with a very good friend of mine and my approach was different. He was in a relationship that was destructive and psychotic. I as a good friend and learning from the past let it go though it killed me inside. The last event when a fellow female worker asked him some questions about work she freaked and (long story longer) made a scene and got herself barred from the establishment. After she went over to his apartment and busted out three of his windows. He says they are done being together when many of his friends (not I) told him he was wrong. I just sucked it up and let it go all the times and let him work it out himself. My point is that if you step in between a lovers relationship and speak your mind they may not see it the same way and blame you. I have seen it many a time where they get back together and you are left out. As far as I am concerned I stay out of those situations and let them grow on their own only because when they figure it out in the end if they ever do they will grow. Growth is and individual responsibility and when you are blinded by love nothing a friend will say will do anything to help.

My final thought is to stay out of it till you cant stand it or it works it self out. You will only push yourself out by trying to help someone that may not be ready. My .02 cents. Good luck to you both.

[ghost]

It would depend on the situation. I agree with what Lefty is saying in that it's uaually best to butt out of relationship things. If you do decide to chime in, choose your words very carefully.

With other things, as DaddyLongLeg mentioned, go ahead and speak up.

The short answer is...it depends on the situation.

[brembo]

Sounds to me like your friend might be a tad immature, in this case pushing and prodding will only be met with heightened resistance. Best bet is to be on standby when the feces hits the fan and be as big a help as possible. Once the poo-storm subsides, you can reflect back and give a good natured "see I TOLD you" ribbing. Be there for em, help em learn from mistakes. 'Bout all ya can do with stubborn people, and belive me I know stubborn.

[David]

I question your approach. Give this some thought, she is unhappy. How do you engage a person who is in this state? Criticism would probably be counter-productive, unless it was done with the greatest of care. A better way might be to change the friend's environment, so that they can gain a different perspective on their situation. Suggest a day trip, meet with a new group of people (any activity would suffice). If you can break the friend's doldrums, you are at least half way there.

Of course..... I am probably off base

[monkeyhead]

Thanks for all your opinions everyone. The situation has gotten way out of hand and I'm not really sure what to do anymore. Now it's back and forth about who's right, who's wrong, who's more mature than the other person. It's ridiculous. I get so mad when she tells me things that are "wrong" with me that are not even true. I guess I'm possibly doing the same thing to her? I know criticizing and getting angry at someone who is sad and possibly depressed is probably not a good idea, but at the same time I get so frustrated with her. And I'm stubborn as well.... which isn't helping the situation either.


Ok, and seriously, I'm gonna get my own account soon. LOL. Sorry for confusing everybody STILL.

[Izzo]

Thanks for all your opinions everyone.....


Ok, and seriously, I'm gonna get my own account soon. LOL. Sorry for confusing everybody STILL.

I told you

[Bouncer]

Please do get your own account, it's free and easy and then we know with whom we are corresponding.

As to your situation, Hell_Yes has given you some good advice. I would only add that when you are talking about something like this, you need to offer an alternative to the individual in a way that doesn't irritate their ego.

"You are doing X wrong." Only makes them defensive. Which is why she is counter arguing with you.

Instead, you need to take an approach that makes it seem like the alternative is her idea. And it needs to be a reasonable alternative.

A real story from my life as a bouncer. Gather round kiddies, Unca Bouncer is going to tell a story. Yes, you may make s'mores. No Maddoc, you may not molest the s'mores you just made. Anyways..

I used to have a group of guys who would come in every week on friday and get drunk and get thrown out by 12:30 for over doing it or stumbling into other people and causing fights to start.

I got used to hauling them out friday night after friday night until one friday, an older bouncer, named Dave, that I worked with showed me a trick. Walking up to one of the guys at the bar he said: "Hey, listen, you told me to remind you when it was 11:30, because you had to get up early tomorrow." And the guy got up, a bit foggy but still functional, and walked out. He then got five more drunk regulars to leave the same way.

The point being, he got the drunk guys to think it was *their* idea to leave at 11:30. Granted, intoxicated people are more susceptible, but the point is the same. Make her think it was her idea to begin with, and you are 90% of getting her to do what you want.

"Hey, I know you were doing X, but I also understand you were thinking about doing Y. I think Y is a smart idea, and I never would've thought of Y so quick. I am... impressed."

Do you see what was just done. There's no direct criticism of X. However, Y has been praised, and the person recieving this has been praised for thinking of Y. They are more likely to implement Y, because they think you think it's smart and because they think you expect them to.

It's a subtle form of peer pressure. In the future, they will remember Y as their idea. You will know otherwise, but so what. It's much more acceptable if they think they thought of it first.

As for healing the rift between you two. Easy. Apologize and take her to a day spa. "You mean too much to me for us to fight like this. Lets go put mud on ourselves instead!"

Regards,
-Bouncer-