i wondered if i could get advice on something, i am an only child and have no kids and lived on my own by myself for a good 10 years now, i'm in a 3 year relationship with a older woman who has 2 teenagers, a girl 15 who i get along with great, shes a typical good girl and 1 boy whos 13. i occasinally spend the night over there, kinda hard to explain but when the boy gets bored he gets extremely annoying to everyone in the household, he does stupid things, like walk across the couch with shoes on, picks stuff up and throws them, says idiotic things while were trying to watch tv, just alot of little stupid crap constantly to annoy you.
anyways yesterday hes being as usual when bored and gettn on my nerves, he squirts some lotion on the floor then rubs it in with his shoes, of course his mom yells at him and stuff for all the crap he does but he just does the talk back crap but i'm thinkn if that was my carpet or my stuff hes tearin up i'd be extremely mad...at one point hes kinda smacking my forearm and pulln back faster than i can grap as if hes playing some childish game, plus hit mewith a few jelly beans and i'm like dude stop it i'm not playing....finally i get so agrevated i lose it and i jump off the couch and grab him by the waist and even though hes almost 200 lbs i lifted him up with one arm and throw him to the floor pretty hard but certainly didnt hurt him nor did i intend to, i just wanted him to stop....well he throws a fit, starts kicking and throwing stuff and balling his eyes out, he then goes to the kitchen and grabs a steak knife and threatens me with it tell me to get out n all which i knew he wouldnt use it but his mom gets it away from him and yelln at him and blah blah....he goes to the bedroom just balling his eyes out so i go to apologize and hes doin his usual when he gets mad by saying shutup curse words..etc, i tried explaining to him what would you do if someone keeps hitting you and wont stop and i apologized more for my reaction.....etc.
later on he got over it and i asked if were cool and he said ya but the problem is hes always like that, he acts like a 5 year old and me never been around kids much my whole life i dont know how i'm suppose to deal with it...i'm sure dr. phill would say go for a walk and talk it out but thats a load of crap..you cant just talk him into seeing your way.
his mom and sister i guess must be so used to it they have a larger tolerance, but if i were to move in and hes purposfully ruining furniture or stuff i paid for and make it impossible to watch tv or do anything else then i can tell i'd go off again, its no wonder they cant keep anything nice or the house decent and i have alot of nice stuff and used to a certain quiet modern lifestyle, i knew what i was doin while i did it and is why thats all i did so i wouldnt hurt him but seemed the only way iknow to get him to stop buggn but didnt expect such a dramatic reaction to basically nothing but what should i do besides the obvious like take a walk or whatever cuz that doesnt solve the problem, i want him to learn how to control himself or deal with boredom.
help in dealing with a teenager
ughh sounds like a rough situation, and not entirely uncommon if a kid doesnt have a father figure around. Sounds like you have the chance to be that, but right now that kid needs discipline and love. Its hard to say exactly what you should do as each situation is unique, but my first suggestion would be for his Mom and you to get on the same page together thats for sure that way whatever you decide will be supported by you both.
I agree with Roody, get a plan together for the kid to find a creative outlet so he wont do distructive things to get attention. He is screaming for attention. Please be careful grabbing him and maintain control. At that age something like the Boys Club or an afterschool program for him to focus on may help him get an outlet and get him working better with others. Puberty is a rough thing for a thirteen year old. Good luck
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YARDofSTUF
- Posts: 70006
- Joined: Sat Nov 11, 2000 12:00 am
- Location: USA
If I can offer some advice to assist you, This is what I got.
What you can do is take some one on one time with the kid. Maybe just go out you and him and build a good relationship with him. What he is lacking is what I believe Roody said, is a father figure. Being he is a pretty big boy, Most likley doesnt have very many friends. What you can do is be that Friend as well as a parent figure. You will never be Dad. SO I think IMHO, your best option is to be the best friend he has, as I believe you will get to be on a complete new level. Not only is his father not around , He prolly misses him. and now you have taken his mother away (or that's what he thinks). Just let him know that there is a Mutual repsect that needs to go on. The only way to communicate with him is by being his friend, Have some serious one on one talks with him. But it sounds like what you might be lacking is a freindship. IMO
The situation he is in is not an easy one. Take him to the movies or to play video games ect. Dude be his friend and you will see that he will start to give you the Respect you deserve. Tell him that it not only upsets his mother, But it puts you in a position aswell.
Hope this gives you a little help, as this is how I would handle the situation.
Good luck and I will pray that things get better for all of you there in the home.
What you can do is take some one on one time with the kid. Maybe just go out you and him and build a good relationship with him. What he is lacking is what I believe Roody said, is a father figure. Being he is a pretty big boy, Most likley doesnt have very many friends. What you can do is be that Friend as well as a parent figure. You will never be Dad. SO I think IMHO, your best option is to be the best friend he has, as I believe you will get to be on a complete new level. Not only is his father not around , He prolly misses him. and now you have taken his mother away (or that's what he thinks). Just let him know that there is a Mutual repsect that needs to go on. The only way to communicate with him is by being his friend, Have some serious one on one talks with him. But it sounds like what you might be lacking is a freindship. IMO
The situation he is in is not an easy one. Take him to the movies or to play video games ect. Dude be his friend and you will see that he will start to give you the Respect you deserve. Tell him that it not only upsets his mother, But it puts you in a position aswell.
Hope this gives you a little help, as this is how I would handle the situation.
Good luck and I will pray that things get better for all of you there in the home.
- Reps for being a smartass.
SG Sh!!t List
Bouncer, downhill, John, Kip Patterson, Roody, YeOldeStonecat, Ken, Philip, David, Indy, Noevo.
SG Sh!!t List
Bouncer, downhill, John, Kip Patterson, Roody, YeOldeStonecat, Ken, Philip, David, Indy, Noevo.
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MissTynker2
- Posts: 6930
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Northern California
I am wondering here if this child has had any type of physical check-up...to rule out any disorders like ADHD. There may in fact be a physical cause related to his actions, besides an emotional one. I would rule that out first of all. If something is found..then in some cases a change in diet alone can make a tremendous difference..i.e. sugars, caffeine, etc..medications in heavier instances. Good luck to you!
Mystical Folding Minx
he has friends, hes not obese i likely misjudged that, hes as tall as me but stocky and i'm thin and at 170..but anyways i do play video games with him sometimes, its about all we have in common, he goes to boyscouts and goes to church so he has outlets just not contantly, his mom does discipline him and at the most if he gets really mouthy she'll smack him in the mouth, i dont think its a lack of discipline but she does rent him alot of games to keep him quiet, he threw a fit last week cuz he didnt want to go with mom to try on clothes for a camping trip, although not my place to say or do much if i were to move in as were planning then i have to find a new way to deal with the way he acts sometimes. plus i have to deal with myself since none of them seems to respect the fact that i cant stand having shoes on the couch and in general i like a more cleaner and tidier lifestyle than what thier living, neither kids seemed to respect my wishes of them not playing kickball around my new leased car, i yelled at them that if they scratch it i have to pay for it but fo course they dont seem to care simply cuz they dont have no first hand knowledge of paying for stuff....so dunno, i just cant wait till they get jobs and thier own cars
Love to help, but I have a stepson who is 100 times worse than that. I have tried for 7 years..I have just given up and just totally ignore him. I'm almost to the point that I can convince myself he doesn't exsist in my universe. Sad but you have to give it up, when they are not willing to try to make it work..they win..or do they lose. 
It's called acting out. It means the kid is unhappy and has lots of unanswered questions. His anxiety, unhappiness and inability to understand is coming out sideways.
When he becomes an adult, either he will come to grips with his inner turmoil or he will find more adult sophisticated ways to act out, like driving fast, etc.... because slapping someone on the arm, ballin his eyes out or destroying stuff around the house will feel childish to him.
I remember once my kid was acting out...and I just stopped him in his tracks, sat him down at the kitchen table and said....."Yer too smart to get your kicks doing this". What's the matter, what do you really want from me"?
When he couldn't answer the question, because he didn't know the answer, he left me alone after lookingt a bit stunned by my question. I think it helped him understand what he was doing. I really do not know.
But, every kid needs someones full attention regularly. Something about eye contact ........and caring enough to draw lines so the kids aren't allowed to go so far they embarrass themselves and lose a sense of dignity.
Just off the top of my head. I don't know the answers.
Just love him. And don't tolerate bad behavior.
When he becomes an adult, either he will come to grips with his inner turmoil or he will find more adult sophisticated ways to act out, like driving fast, etc.... because slapping someone on the arm, ballin his eyes out or destroying stuff around the house will feel childish to him.
I remember once my kid was acting out...and I just stopped him in his tracks, sat him down at the kitchen table and said....."Yer too smart to get your kicks doing this". What's the matter, what do you really want from me"?
When he couldn't answer the question, because he didn't know the answer, he left me alone after lookingt a bit stunned by my question. I think it helped him understand what he was doing. I really do not know.
But, every kid needs someones full attention regularly. Something about eye contact ........and caring enough to draw lines so the kids aren't allowed to go so far they embarrass themselves and lose a sense of dignity.
Just off the top of my head. I don't know the answers.
Just love him. And don't tolerate bad behavior.
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nepenthe
- Posts: 6176
- Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 12:00 pm
- Location: between pain, bliss and the Garden State
I could write a book.....
In the lengthening bridge between childhood and responsible adulthood, the adolescent will want the best of both worlds. To this end, expect prevarications and justifications. The key for you is honesty, diligence, and above all consistancy with praise and punishment. If he and his mother realize that you are not messing around and you have his interest at heart, your respect has been earned. It is the job of a parent or a guardian to prepare a child for adulthood, not to be his buddy.
david
In the lengthening bridge between childhood and responsible adulthood, the adolescent will want the best of both worlds. To this end, expect prevarications and justifications. The key for you is honesty, diligence, and above all consistancy with praise and punishment. If he and his mother realize that you are not messing around and you have his interest at heart, your respect has been earned. It is the job of a parent or a guardian to prepare a child for adulthood, not to be his buddy.
david
I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.
Hi dcyphure
Problems with Kids. Who'd of Thunk Eh!
To me it sounds like the situation is up to good old Mom to fix, without your presence. It's time imho to have her sit down with Her Family and explain what She wants out of life and what She expects to take place within the Household.
The young Daughter should be included in this discussion as well. Everyone to be on the same page. To start with, the Kids should be put on an Allowance and made responsible for their own Entertainment as well as Clothing.
Chores are to be set and carried out each day. School Work etc. to be figured into the daily time schedule. Do not tie this into their Allowances (for failure to do something and this is the punishment), rather tie it into their Free time and Extras like nights out. No work done, then no nights out, or Video Games that type of thing.
Rules need to be set as to how to properly act, at all times. No throwing of things or being destructive to Moms or anyone else's things, be they Guest or Neighbour.
Mom should explain how hard She has to work to afford a roof over the Families head and that destructive behaviour simply takes away from all the added pleasures they might enjoy together. Summer Holidays at a Camp or a Trip somewhere, or a new Car, etc.
She might also explain to them that she has feelings for you and expects them to treat you with courtesy. The respect you'll have to earn on your own.
As to the boy himself, perhaps as suggested, a good physical is in order to ensure there are no medical problems that need to be dealt with. If all clear there, then keeping him busy should eliminate his boredom.
The Family, whether your their or not, should have Sit down Meals together at the Kitchen Table everyday. Breakfast and Dinner. This way they will be together and can discuss the issues of the day and how things are going at School, as well as in their personal lives.
Its an ideal time to talk about future plans as well. An upcoming Summer Holiday for example can give them an opportunity to voice their opinions on what they would like to do, or where they'd like to go etc.
By giving them the responsibility of caring for themselves (re their allowances) they will begin to see how much things cost. A new Jacket for example for the boy might require him to save a few Allowances (or part of each one) to have sufficient money to purchase what he wants. It might also stimulate him to take on a Part-time Job, be that Cutting Grass in the neighbourhood or getting a Full time Summer Job to earn more money, to buy those extras he'd no doubt like.
One has a tenancy to take better care of things that You had to work for. I know i did.
This way they feel a part of things and feel they have some control as well. Every once in awhile have a Sit by the TV Meal, together. Takeout Chicken and Pop along with a Movie breaks up the routine and if you have them involved in the Movie choices, ensures they will be entertained as well.
An ideal chance to show up early and suggest Dinners on You and have the Kids come with You (leave Mom at Home) to select the Meal and pick up a couple of Movies you can all agree on. Gives you a chance to bond outside the home and them a chance to see you in a different way.
A Family Pet might also help, especially the boy. A nice Dog as a companion can be a wonderful teaching aid as well. They soon learn that they are depended on to provide for their Pal and it also can be a terrific tool to find that they have a Friend that doesn't judge them and offers them Love & Companionship.
As to your place in all this, you may well find that not being their on certain days each week takes away the threat of them losing Mom and the control they feel they'll be losing as well.
Allow them all to know that They are the Family. They need time together and time to immerse themselves in Family things on their own. They could go to Bingo or take in a Movie together or simply sit around their house yakking, without your involvement and by doing so hopefully they can bond once again as well.
On the days your not their, Mom can allow the Kids to pick something they'd like to do as a Family. Going to the Beach this coming Summer a few days or Tenting out might be an idea. Family BBQ's on a Wednesday can break up an otherwise mundane week and the Kids can do the Cooking and pick out the menu as well.
When you are their, allow the Mother to do the disciplining if needed. You might wish to ask them if they'd be interested in going out for a Drive or taking in a movie together, that type of thing. It doesn't have to be all the time, but often enough that they feel part of your relationship with their Mother as well.
As to your Car, try getting the Lad to do the Washing & Cleanup of it for a few Bucks every couple of weeks or so. Take the time to show him how to check the Oil, tires etc, so he learns whats required to own and operate a Vehicle.
When of age ensure he gets into a Drivers Class and perhaps you could help teach him as you go along.
Invite Him to your place, the Girl as well, for any reason. This way they get to see first hand how you live.
When their, do as you normally would. Remove your Shoes when entering. Take off your Ball Hat and insist they do as well (a Pet Peeve of mine ). Plan a Meal their on occasion or just a Night of Movies and Popcorn or Monopoly.
Kids are not stupid and will figure out without being yakked at, that you have different standards and if its a fun thing and they feel at ease and part of your Place, then things may well change at theirs as well.
Little things make up a Family imho, it takes planning to involve the Kids, so that they feel its You that wants to join Them, not the other way around.
On Mom's Birthday or Christmas, don't just Buy Her a Gift, rather go to the Kids on the side and ask Their opinions on what She'd like and possibly take them with you to purchase her Cake and Gift and present it Together. They get to be part of it and also experience joy when they see how happy they have made Mom feel.
I've been in your postilion a couple of times and had varying degrees of success and failure. Once kids are in charge they resent anyone coming into Their household and Mom has a tendency to back down on standards just to try to keep the peace. That seldom works and all Kids need Rules and Limits set, so they know where they stand.
That said however, it is their Home and you are the Guest. They will at times go out of their way to show you that as well.
Mom has to set the tone and it is up to her to explain to Her Kids what is acceptable and what is not. Its up to you to respect that and find a way of ingratiating yourself into their household. Its more than just You & Mom. Its You joining in a Family.
Too many times i've seen friends (Guys mostly) start a relationship with a Mom who has Kids and simply take over. Come and go as they feel like and take charge of the TV Remote when their, etc. The Kids are basically ignored and their Home becomes someone elses overnight.
Plan your nights their. 3 or so times a week at most, so they have time to be together as well.
Good Luck as i know first hand it Ain't Easy!
Just my opinion and Hey! i have 3 Kids that don't bother with me, so you can judge this from there.
--
regards
minir
Problems with Kids. Who'd of Thunk Eh!
To me it sounds like the situation is up to good old Mom to fix, without your presence. It's time imho to have her sit down with Her Family and explain what She wants out of life and what She expects to take place within the Household.
The young Daughter should be included in this discussion as well. Everyone to be on the same page. To start with, the Kids should be put on an Allowance and made responsible for their own Entertainment as well as Clothing.
Chores are to be set and carried out each day. School Work etc. to be figured into the daily time schedule. Do not tie this into their Allowances (for failure to do something and this is the punishment), rather tie it into their Free time and Extras like nights out. No work done, then no nights out, or Video Games that type of thing.
Rules need to be set as to how to properly act, at all times. No throwing of things or being destructive to Moms or anyone else's things, be they Guest or Neighbour.
Mom should explain how hard She has to work to afford a roof over the Families head and that destructive behaviour simply takes away from all the added pleasures they might enjoy together. Summer Holidays at a Camp or a Trip somewhere, or a new Car, etc.
She might also explain to them that she has feelings for you and expects them to treat you with courtesy. The respect you'll have to earn on your own.
As to the boy himself, perhaps as suggested, a good physical is in order to ensure there are no medical problems that need to be dealt with. If all clear there, then keeping him busy should eliminate his boredom.
The Family, whether your their or not, should have Sit down Meals together at the Kitchen Table everyday. Breakfast and Dinner. This way they will be together and can discuss the issues of the day and how things are going at School, as well as in their personal lives.
Its an ideal time to talk about future plans as well. An upcoming Summer Holiday for example can give them an opportunity to voice their opinions on what they would like to do, or where they'd like to go etc.
By giving them the responsibility of caring for themselves (re their allowances) they will begin to see how much things cost. A new Jacket for example for the boy might require him to save a few Allowances (or part of each one) to have sufficient money to purchase what he wants. It might also stimulate him to take on a Part-time Job, be that Cutting Grass in the neighbourhood or getting a Full time Summer Job to earn more money, to buy those extras he'd no doubt like.
One has a tenancy to take better care of things that You had to work for. I know i did.
This way they feel a part of things and feel they have some control as well. Every once in awhile have a Sit by the TV Meal, together. Takeout Chicken and Pop along with a Movie breaks up the routine and if you have them involved in the Movie choices, ensures they will be entertained as well.
An ideal chance to show up early and suggest Dinners on You and have the Kids come with You (leave Mom at Home) to select the Meal and pick up a couple of Movies you can all agree on. Gives you a chance to bond outside the home and them a chance to see you in a different way.
A Family Pet might also help, especially the boy. A nice Dog as a companion can be a wonderful teaching aid as well. They soon learn that they are depended on to provide for their Pal and it also can be a terrific tool to find that they have a Friend that doesn't judge them and offers them Love & Companionship.
As to your place in all this, you may well find that not being their on certain days each week takes away the threat of them losing Mom and the control they feel they'll be losing as well.
Allow them all to know that They are the Family. They need time together and time to immerse themselves in Family things on their own. They could go to Bingo or take in a Movie together or simply sit around their house yakking, without your involvement and by doing so hopefully they can bond once again as well.
On the days your not their, Mom can allow the Kids to pick something they'd like to do as a Family. Going to the Beach this coming Summer a few days or Tenting out might be an idea. Family BBQ's on a Wednesday can break up an otherwise mundane week and the Kids can do the Cooking and pick out the menu as well.
When you are their, allow the Mother to do the disciplining if needed. You might wish to ask them if they'd be interested in going out for a Drive or taking in a movie together, that type of thing. It doesn't have to be all the time, but often enough that they feel part of your relationship with their Mother as well.
As to your Car, try getting the Lad to do the Washing & Cleanup of it for a few Bucks every couple of weeks or so. Take the time to show him how to check the Oil, tires etc, so he learns whats required to own and operate a Vehicle.
When of age ensure he gets into a Drivers Class and perhaps you could help teach him as you go along.
Invite Him to your place, the Girl as well, for any reason. This way they get to see first hand how you live.
When their, do as you normally would. Remove your Shoes when entering. Take off your Ball Hat and insist they do as well (a Pet Peeve of mine
). Plan a Meal their on occasion or just a Night of Movies and Popcorn or Monopoly.Kids are not stupid and will figure out without being yakked at, that you have different standards and if its a fun thing and they feel at ease and part of your Place, then things may well change at theirs as well.
Little things make up a Family imho, it takes planning to involve the Kids, so that they feel its You that wants to join Them, not the other way around.
On Mom's Birthday or Christmas, don't just Buy Her a Gift, rather go to the Kids on the side and ask Their opinions on what She'd like and possibly take them with you to purchase her Cake and Gift and present it Together. They get to be part of it and also experience joy when they see how happy they have made Mom feel.
I've been in your postilion a couple of times and had varying degrees of success and failure. Once kids are in charge they resent anyone coming into Their household and Mom has a tendency to back down on standards just to try to keep the peace. That seldom works and all Kids need Rules and Limits set, so they know where they stand.
That said however, it is their Home and you are the Guest. They will at times go out of their way to show you that as well.
Mom has to set the tone and it is up to her to explain to Her Kids what is acceptable and what is not. Its up to you to respect that and find a way of ingratiating yourself into their household. Its more than just You & Mom. Its You joining in a Family.
Too many times i've seen friends (Guys mostly) start a relationship with a Mom who has Kids and simply take over. Come and go as they feel like and take charge of the TV Remote when their, etc. The Kids are basically ignored and their Home becomes someone elses overnight.
Plan your nights their. 3 or so times a week at most, so they have time to be together as well.
Good Luck as i know first hand it Ain't Easy!
Just my opinion and Hey! i have 3 Kids that don't bother with me, so you can judge this from there.
--
regards
minir
-
MissTynker2
- Posts: 6930
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Northern California
Close enough to perfect for me!minir wrote:Hi dcyphure
Problems with Kids. Who'd of Thunk Eh!
To me it sounds like the situation is up to good old Mom to fix, without your presence. It's time imho to have her sit down with Her Family and explain what She wants out of life and what She expects to take place within the Household.
The young Daughter should be included in this discussion as well. Everyone to be on the same page. To start with, the Kids should be put on an Allowance and made responsible for their own Entertainment as well as Clothing.
Chores are to be set and carried out each day. School Work etc. to be figured into the daily time schedule. Do not tie this into their Allowances (for failure to do something and this is the punishment), rather tie it into their Free time and Extras like nights out. No work done, then no nights out, or Video Games that type of thing.
Rules need to be set as to how to properly act, at all times. No throwing of things or being destructive to Moms or anyone else's things, be they Guest or Neighbour.
Mom should explain how hard She has to work to afford a roof over the Families head and that destructive behaviour simply takes away from all the added pleasures they might enjoy together. Summer Holidays at a Camp or a Trip somewhere, or a new Car, etc.
She might also explain to them that she has feelings for you and expects them to treat you with courtesy. The respect you'll have to earn on your own.
As to the boy himself, perhaps as suggested, a good physical is in order to ensure there are no medical problems that need to be dealt with. If all clear there, then keeping him busy should eliminate his boredom.
The Family, whether your their or not, should have Sit down Meals together at the Kitchen Table everyday. Breakfast and Dinner. This way they will be together and can discuss the issues of the day and how things are going at School, as well as in their personal lives.
Its an ideal time to talk about future plans as well. An upcoming Summer Holiday for example can give them an opportunity to voice their opinions on what they would like to do, or where they'd like to go etc.
By giving them the responsibility of caring for themselves (re their allowances) they will begin to see how much things cost. A new Jacket for example for the boy might require him to save a few Allowances (or part of each one) to have sufficient money to purchase what he wants. It might also stimulate him to take on a Part-time Job, be that Cutting Grass in the neighbourhood or getting a Full time Summer Job to earn more money, to buy those extras he'd no doubt like.
One has a tenancy to take better care of things that You had to work for. I know i did.
This way they feel a part of things and feel they have some control as well. Every once in awhile have a Sit by the TV Meal, together. Takeout Chicken and Pop along with a Movie breaks up the routine and if you have them involved in the Movie choices, ensures they will be entertained as well.
An ideal chance to show up early and suggest Dinners on You and have the Kids come with You (leave Mom at Home) to select the Meal and pick up a couple of Movies you can all agree on. Gives you a chance to bond outside the home and them a chance to see you in a different way.
A Family Pet might also help, especially the boy. A nice Dog as a companion can be a wonderful teaching aid as well. They soon learn that they are depended on to provide for their Pal and it also can be a terrific tool to find that they have a Friend that doesn't judge them and offers them Love & Companionship.
As to your place in all this, you may well find that not being their on certain days each week takes away the threat of them losing Mom and the control they feel they'll be losing as well.
Allow them all to know that They are the Family. They need time together and time to immerse themselves in Family things on their own. They could go to Bingo or take in a Movie together or simply sit around their house yakking, without your involvement and by doing so hopefully they can bond once again as well.
On the days your not their, Mom can allow the Kids to pick something they'd like to do as a Family. Going to the Beach this coming Summer a few days or Tenting out might be an idea. Family BBQ's on a Wednesday can break up an otherwise mundane week and the Kids can do the Cooking and pick out the menu as well.
When you are their, allow the Mother to do the disciplining if needed. You might wish to ask them if they'd be interested in going out for a Drive or taking in a movie together, that type of thing. It doesn't have to be all the time, but often enough that they feel part of your relationship with their Mother as well.
As to your Car, try getting the Lad to do the Washing & Cleanup of it for a few Bucks every couple of weeks or so. Take the time to show him how to check the Oil, tires etc, so he learns whats required to own and operate a Vehicle.
When of age ensure he gets into a Drivers Class and perhaps you could help teach him as you go along.
Invite Him to your place, the Girl as well, for any reason. This way they get to see first hand how you live.
When their, do as you normally would. Remove your Shoes when entering. Take off your Ball Hat and insist they do as well (a Pet Peeve of mine
Kids are not stupid and will figure out without being yakked at, that you have different standards and if its a fun thing and they feel at ease and part of your Place, then things may well change at theirs as well.
Little things make up a Family imho, it takes planning to involve the Kids, so that they feel its You that wants to join Them, not the other way around.
On Mom's Birthday or Christmas, don't just Buy Her a Gift, rather go to the Kids on the side and ask Their opinions on what She'd like and possibly take them with you to purchase her Cake and Gift and present it Together. They get to be part of it and also experience joy when they see how happy they have made Mom feel.
I've been in your postilion a couple of times and had varying degrees of success and failure. Once kids are in charge they resent anyone coming into Their household and Mom has a tendency to back down on standards just to try to keep the peace. That seldom works and all Kids need Rules and Limits set, so they know where they stand.
That said however, it is their Home and you are the Guest. They will at times go out of their way to show you that as well.
Mom has to set the tone and it is up to her to explain to Her Kids what is acceptable and what is not. Its up to you to respect that and find a way of ingratiating yourself into their household. Its more than just You & Mom. Its You joining in a Family.
Too many times i've seen friends (Guys mostly) start a relationship with a Mom who has Kids and simply take over. Come and go as they feel like and take charge of the TV Remote when their, etc. The Kids are basically ignored and their Home becomes someone elses overnight.
Plan your nights their. 3 or so times a week at most, so they have time to be together as well.
Good Luck as i know first hand it Ain't Easy!
Just my opinion and Hey! i have 3 Kids that don't bother with me, so you can judge this from there.
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regards
minir
Mystical Folding Minx
The boy needs attention because Mom aint giving it to him....she's giving it all to you. The boy will do anythig to get any kind of attention, positive or negative.
The child always comes first...always always always and MOM needs to understand that. You are NOT this boy's father and don't try to be...yet. Mom needs to be a Mom first, and a girlfriend second.
The child always comes first...always always always and MOM needs to understand that. You are NOT this boy's father and don't try to be...yet. Mom needs to be a Mom first, and a girlfriend second.
Too much too read, however, IMHO
The little guy is not getting enough attention... When children do not get enough attention, they deliberately do bad things to get it... To them, bad attention is better than no attention...
Why don't you try giving him some quality time, 1 on 1... Take him to the movies, a toy store, whatever... Talk with him, about any/everything...
Remember, YOU are intruding into HIS world...
The little guy is not getting enough attention... When children do not get enough attention, they deliberately do bad things to get it... To them, bad attention is better than no attention...
Why don't you try giving him some quality time, 1 on 1... Take him to the movies, a toy store, whatever... Talk with him, about any/everything...
Remember, YOU are intruding into HIS world...
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MissTynker2
- Posts: 6930
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Northern California
UOD wrote:The boy needs attention because Mom aint giving it to him....she's giving it all to you. The boy will do anythig to get any kind of attention, positive or negative.
The child always comes first...always always always and MOM needs to understand that. You are NOT this boy's father and don't try to be...yet. Mom needs to be a Mom first, and a girlfriend second.
I agree with you in some ways UOD..however...this relationship is three years old...and I doubt very highly that Mom has not given enough attention...I do not think we need to blame this all on Mom...the boy should at least by now feel reasonably comfortable..and not threatened. Maybe Mom has spoiled him some...after parting from the Dad...for that...I will grant you a possible yes..Mom however also needed to deal with her own emotions at the time...children should always come first of course....because that is what we should all be about...iffen you are going to have them in the first place...but there are times...even as parents...we need to step back and take a look..at what is good for all concerned..Have a great day!
Mystical Folding Minx
When a kid throws jelly beans at someone important in his life.....he's saying "LOOK AT ME". Make me feel I am a valued member of this group of mess ups I am a part of, cause at thirteen I don't know where I fit in."
By the way, the kid who is heard when he acts out, is going to grow up to see the need for nurturing in others.
You heard it right here. Not just from me.....but from the peeps here who knows that throwing jelly beans just don't work.
By the way, the kid who is heard when he acts out, is going to grow up to see the need for nurturing in others.
You heard it right here. Not just from me.....but from the peeps here who knows that throwing jelly beans just don't work.
MissTynker2 wrote:I agree with you in some ways UOD..however...this relationship is three years old...and I doubt very highly that Mom has not given enough attention...I do not think we need to blame this all on Mom...the boy should at least by now feel reasonably comfortable..and not threatened. Maybe Mom has spoiled him some...after parting from the Dad...for that...I will grant you a possible yes..Mom however also needed to deal with her own emotions at the time...children should always come first of course....because that is what we should all be about...iffen you are going to have them in the first place...but there are times...even as parents...we need to step back and take a look..at what is good for all concerned..Have a great day!
alright you win...hire a vivisectionist and store his head in the freezer. When the other one gets out of line and desires to toss jellybeans at your noggin, ask them to fetch an ice-pop from the frdge.
UOD wrote:alright you win...hire a vivisectionist and store his head in the freezer. When the other one gets out of line and desires to toss jellybeans at your noggin, ask them to fetch an ice-pop from the frdge.
- Reps for being a smartass.
SG Sh!!t List
Bouncer, downhill, John, Kip Patterson, Roody, YeOldeStonecat, Ken, Philip, David, Indy, Noevo.
SG Sh!!t List
Bouncer, downhill, John, Kip Patterson, Roody, YeOldeStonecat, Ken, Philip, David, Indy, Noevo.
With no water I might add.UOD wrote:Hog tie the little bastard and put him in a trunk of VW Bug, park his ass in a Walmart parking lot on a hot July day??????????
Work with me here!!!!!!!!!!! lol
- Reps for being a smartass.
SG Sh!!t List
Bouncer, downhill, John, Kip Patterson, Roody, YeOldeStonecat, Ken, Philip, David, Indy, Noevo.
SG Sh!!t List
Bouncer, downhill, John, Kip Patterson, Roody, YeOldeStonecat, Ken, Philip, David, Indy, Noevo.
Ok, tranqs have been administered.Sarahnn wrote:Looks like we're gonna need the tranquilizer gun too.
Since the young child seems to have a problem and a liking for jellybeans, why not send him to the Ronald Reagan Library and make him give us a full report on the making of Iran-Contra?????????
Or....we could give him a one way ticket out of Ronal Reagan International Airport to lovely downtown Baghdad Airport!
maybe????????