I need advice

Humboldt · Post by **Humboldt** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 1:59 pm

In a really ****ed up situation.

Dated ex for over 2 years, broke up with her about 3 months ago.

Before getting over her or even deciding whether I'd made the right decision I hopped into a relationship with a co-worker. Much too soon.

Since then everything between us has been picture perfect and most of my friends say she's the ideal woman, for me or for anyone...except I still haven't gotten over the ex.

Part of me says to just give it more time, that to have feelings for the ex are normal but that given enough time this new relationship could feel as normal and comfortable as the last one...that if none of the numerous difficulties I faced in the first relationship are present in this one to just give it time and let things fall into place.

Another part of me says that if I've been doubting the break-up ever since it happened and I still am, that if no matter how perfect this new one seems there's a part of it that just doesn't feel right, that the best thing to do is break it off.

damnit

I want to stay with this new woman and see how good it can be.

I want to be single again and get my headspace back enough to think.

I want to go back to the ex and try things again and see if we can work out some of our problems.

Zilog B · Post by **Zilog B** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:03 pm

I'd pick option #2 if it were me. And stop dating coworkers. Recipie for disaster.

Zilog B · Post by **Zilog B** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:04 pm

Oh yeah, and pics

Post by **YeOldeStonecat** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:06 pm

Can relate. The time to get over someone varies from person to person.

Some people can bounce back quickly, others can't.

Been well over a year for me since the divorce...I'm still fairly "dead" inside. Bounce around a few brief relationships, pretty much just ends up being a physical thing for a while..nothing further feels like coming out of my heart. Nobody has really brought back the spark in there yet.

In all honesty, 3 months seems too short to make any decision.

minir · Post by **minir** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:14 pm

Hi Humboldt

Live for you & the moment, till your heart tells you otherwise.

You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else imho.

Enjoy your new relationship but don't be pressured by it. If it seems too much then allow it to simply fade away. Time is the great healer.

Good luck

minir

Humboldt · Post by **Humboldt** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:18 pm

minir wrote:Hi Humboldt

Live for you & the moment, till your heart tells you otherwise.

You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else imho.

Enjoy your new relationship but don't be pressured by it. If it seems too much then allow it to simply fade away. Time is the great healer.

Hi Minir

That's the pisser, my brain is telling me to stay in this current relationship but my heart is telling me it'll never feel right.

Post by **YeOldeStonecat** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:31 pm

Zilog B wrote:Ind stop dating coworkers. Recipie for disaster.

Trini's mom counts as dating?

Croc · Post by **Croc** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:35 pm

Listen to your heart.

Your brain is being overruled by something far more important. All us males are controlled by it. Just ask any woman.

Seriously..... What minir said.

Humboldt · Post by **Humboldt** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:35 pm

YeOldeStonecat wrote:Trini's mom counts as dating?

I think of her more as a blow-off valve.

Jamie_R · Post by **Jamie_R** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:37 pm

[quote="Croc"]Listen to your heart.

Your brain is being overruled by something far more important. All us males are controlled by it. Just ask any woman. ]

gotta agree here ...

Rivas · Post by **Rivas** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:39 pm

I'd pick option 1.
But humbie why did you jump into new relationship when you knew you are not over the first one ?Maybe you will break her heart, maybe, i dont know.
I would stay with her, doesnt matter what are friends saying, you are the one who is with her and there is possibility she will help you get over the old relationship.It's difficult situation, hard to answer.I wish you luck whatever you decide and i hope you are gonna be ok bud.

Prey521 · Post by **Prey521** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:40 pm

I went through that Humboldt. My wife and I started dating like a month after I had broken up with my ex of 3 yrs.........in turn, my wife had broken up with her ex like 5 months prior......they had ended a relationship of almost 5 yrs on and off! Huge.......HUGE mistake on both our parts, but more mine, where as she was already over her ex, but I wasn't really over mine! Caused a lot of problems at the beginning, weren't stable, lots of insecurities, not sure if I had made the wiser choice which would've been staying by my solo for a bit, to get my head straightened out.

We were on and off for about 5 months, till she decided to end it when she left to school in Florida.......said that she didn't want anything holding her back while in school, which I was fine with. We were apart for about 6 months, then when she came back one of her breaks, we rekindled and e/thing has been fine ever since. Well, not completely fine, we're married now, so we messed up somewhere in the process

Good luck man! Hope you can work it out!

Lefty · Post by **Lefty** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:44 pm

Keep you pimp hand strong and pick up a few more to date and hook up with the ex too.

J/K

When life gets too confusing and you don't know what to do, its because it is not time to make a choice. Don't push yourself to make a choice too early, give it time and it will all make itself clear.

Rivas · Post by **Rivas** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:47 pm

Lefty wrote:Keep you pimp hand strong and pick up a few more to date and hook up with the ex too. J/K

When life gets too confusing and you don't know what to do, its because it is not time to make a choice. Don't push yourself to make a choice too early, give it time and it will all make itself clear.

hehe Leftycio

Yeah definately not push it.I'd still pick option 1.

brembo · Post by **brembo** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:54 pm

If you love something set it free, if it does not come back, hunt it down and kill it.

fastchevy · Post by **fastchevy** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 3:03 pm

I know how you feel.
I was with Janey for 14 years. There is no way I could handle a relationship right now. She has a boyfriend which I think won't last, just like a few of you have said. I can't see how she would be mentally ready for a relationship since we just finalized the divorce in July.

I think more time OUT of a relationship is what you need. I very recently started talking to this one chick, but I know I won't be mentally ready for anything serious for a while.

Let me know if you need anything

CableDude · Post by **CableDude** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 3:47 pm

Prey521 wrote:Good luck man! Hope you can work it out!

Jamie_R · Post by **Jamie_R** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 3:53 pm

brembo wrote:If you love something set it free, if it does not come back, hunt it down and kill it.

TonyT · Post by **TonyT** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 4:41 pm

You asked for it!
The whole "getting over the ex" feeling is a result of incomplete communication, e.g.. lets say you had an argument and never fully resolved it, well THAT communication cycle never completed, things were left unspoken by both parties. These incomplete cycles add up. Also, parties in a relationship have done things that they have never told the other about, e.g. "the time you flirted w/ Suzie" or the time you "lied about why late coming home", and the time she "spent 100 bucks on new shoes and shortly after asked you to kick in a bit more toward the rent that month". These transgressions add up the they are the SOLE cause of any group falling apart. (the above are examples only, not implying you did those things, but you & she DID transgress else you'd still be together)

"What should I do?" That does not have to be asked here cause you already know what to do: "the right thing". Just do what's the right thing to do. Rise above any misemotional feelings, those bad feelings are not you. You are the solver of problems, you are not the problem.

MissTynker2 · Post by **MissTynker2** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 4:45 pm

You are dealing with some very supercharged emotional feelings of the heart here, and struggling with the common sense of the mind trying to argue with everything you are trying to overcome. Double whammy!

Speaking as a woman, in all probability the lady you are dating at this moment, is already aware, that prior feelings for your ex still exist, or that something is not quite comfortable. Tis a womans built in intuition that comes into play at this point, and scares the hell out of most men..hell..it scares the hell out of us as well sometimes, were the truth known.

May I suggest telling the lady you are with now, just how you are feeling? Not the entire situation if it makes you uncomfortable...but that you do need a little space, and time to sort things out, to be ready to get on with your life and happiness...without a question of a doubt, and that at this point you are still dealing with some doubts in your own mind. That does not mean you have to totally give up on this relationship, but gives you the space that you need right now to clear the air. If she cares, she will understand, and be there for you. NO woman wants to feel...she is playing second fiddle to the memory of another woman...and no MAN wants to feel at some point...DAMN I made the wrong decision!!

Your heart and mind will blend..and mend...and you will know when. Best of luck and peace to you!

Humboldt · Post by **Humboldt** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 4:45 pm

Tony T.
Is that a quote from L. Ron?

If I knew what the right thing to do was I'd be there. That's my problem.

One of them at least.

Humboldt · Post by **Humboldt** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 4:49 pm

MissTynker2 wrote:You are dealing with some very supercharged emotional feelings of the heart here, and struggling with the common sense of the mind trying to argue with everything you are trying to overcome. Double whammy!

Speaking as a woman, in all probability the lady you are dating at this moment, is already aware, that prior feelings for your ex still exist, or that something is not quite comfortable. Tis a womans built in intuition that comes into play at this point, and scares the hell out of most men..hell..it scares the hell out of us as well sometimes, were the truth known.

May I suggest telling the lady you are with now, just how you are feeling? Not the entire situation if it makes you uncomfortable...but that you do need a little space, and time to sort things out, to be ready to get on with your life and happiness...without a question of a doubt, and that at this point you are still dealing with some doubts in your own mind. That does not mean you have to totally give up on this relationship, but gives you the space that you need right now to clear the air. If she cares, she will understand, and be there for you. NO woman wants to feel...she is playing second fiddle to the memory of another woman...and no MAN wants to feel at some point...DAMN I made the wrong decision!!

Your heart and mind will blend..and mend...and you will know when. Best of luck and peace to you!

Hi MissTynker2.

I've told her that several times now. Each time it goes over like a lead balloon. Understandably, can't blame her for that at all. But no, it doesn't go over well.

MissTynker2 · Post by **MissTynker2** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 4:54 pm

Humboldt wrote:Hi MissTynker2.

I've told her that several times now. Each time it goes over like a lead balloon. Understandably, can't blame her for that at all. But no, it doesn't go over well.

That is very sad to hear Humby, for both your sakes, and usually indicates a pretty self centered attitude, and or complete selfishness type attitude on the part of one you seem to be trying your best here to protect, and to not hurt. It is YOU who needs the space, and the understanding at this point, YOU who needs to feel ok with himself...and in all probability YOU who will need to take the appropriate action to accomplish such goals yourself. Painful, difficult decisions...yes...but will YOU be right with yourself or anyone else until this is resolved to the point YOU are comfortable with it? I think not. Best of luck..my thoughts are with you.

Debbie · Post by **Debbie** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:06 pm

MissTynker2 wrote:You are dealing with some very supercharged emotional feelings of the heart here, and struggling with the common sense of the mind trying to argue with everything you are trying to overcome. Double whammy!

Speaking as a woman, in all probability the lady you are dating at this moment, is already aware, that prior feelings for your ex still exist, or that something is not quite comfortable. Tis a womans built in intuition that comes into play at this point, and scares the hell out of most men..hell..it scares the hell out of us as well sometimes, were the truth known.

May I suggest telling the lady you are with now, just how you are feeling? Not the entire situation if it makes you uncomfortable...but that you do need a little space, and time to sort things out, to be ready to get on with your life and happiness...without a question of a doubt, and that at this point you are still dealing with some doubts in your own mind. That does not mean you have to totally give up on this relationship, but gives you the space that you need right now to clear the air. If she cares, she will understand, and be there for you. NO woman wants to feel...she is playing second fiddle to the memory of another woman...and no MAN wants to feel at some point...DAMN I made the wrong decision!!

Your heart and mind will blend..and mend...and you will know when. Best of luck and peace to you!

Debbie · Post by **Debbie** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:16 pm

I think everyone has their own way of dealing with a breakup. As for me, I need time to myself. I cannot get involved with someone else right after.

I also agree with TonyT. There may be some "unfinished business and/or communications" with the ex.

We women can intuit when our man harbors feelings for another woman. I can definately relate to what Misty said.

The key here is follow your heart Humby.

Debbie · Post by **Debbie** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:19 pm

MissTynker2 wrote:That is very sad to hear Humby, for both your sakes, and usually indicates a pretty self centered attitude, and or complete selfishness type attitude on the part of one you seem to be trying your best here to protect, and to not hurt. It is YOU who needs the space, and the understanding at this point, YOU who needs to feel ok with himself...and in all probability YOU who will need to take the appropriate action to accomplish such goals yourself. Painful, difficult decisions...yes...but will YOU be right with yourself or anyone else until this is resolved to the point YOU are comfortable with it? I think not. Best of luck..my thoughts are with you.

Sarahnn · Post by **Sarahnn** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:33 pm

YeOldeStonecat wrote:Can relate. The time to get over someone varies from person to person.

Some people can bounce back quickly, others can't.

Been well over a year for me since the divorce...I'm still fairly "dead" inside. .

I was sorry to hear this..... wanted to give you a hug.... ((((((YOSC))))))

Randy · Post by **Randy** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:38 pm

is there a chance you can have both women?

Sarahnn · Post by **Sarahnn** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:39 pm

Yeah, Miss Tynker is making alot of sense.

My best advice is follow your gut. And the new lady can't have just that part of you that makes her feel good. If you have unresolved issues she can't accept, that's her problem, not yours.

In time, all this will pass....but it's that time passage that hurts for all of us, and not knowing the future. Have you asked your ex if there is any chance of renewing the friendship and going from there???

Damn.... one day at a time, hon.

MissTynker2 · Post by **MissTynker2** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:40 pm

Randy wrote:is there a chance you can have both women?

Ohhh...THAT will fix it for sure!

Debbie · Post by **Debbie** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:42 pm

Randy wrote:is there a chance you can have both women?

Only if he wants to be a player and operate from his crotch and not his heart. Both women will end up hurt in the long run.

MissTynker2 · Post by **MissTynker2** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:47 pm

Debbie wrote:Only if he wants to be a player and operate from his crotch and not his heart. Both women will end up hurt in the long run.

It might however, solve the immediate problem. Dead men can't feel!

Prey521 · Post by **Prey521** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:54 pm

Randy wrote:is there a chance you can have both women?

LMAO!!

minir · Post by **minir** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 6:56 pm

Humboldt wrote:Hi Minir

That's the pisser, my brain is telling me to stay in this current relationship but my heart is telling me it'll never feel right.

---

Hi Humboldt

As you've already found out the first Lady was not the only one in the world, nor is this one and you obviously have issues with both for varying reasons.

If your not comfortable and feeling at ease then simply keep coasting till either someone new stirs your soul or you reach a comfort level with the one your now with.

Sounds to me like she's not the one your looking for and your heart is telling you that.

Do not allow urgency or pressure to make you choose. Instead allow time to make things clearer. There is nothing says you must be in a relationship at the moment and perhaps that's your best option for now???

--

minir

Humboldt · Post by **Humboldt** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 10:56 pm

Just broke things off with the new woman.

Part of me feels very relieved, part of me feels like I just made a huge mistake. Time will tell I guess.

Rivas · Post by **Rivas** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 10:59 pm

Humboldt wrote: Time will tell I guess.

Yup

David · Post by **David** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 11:52 pm

After a 13 year relationship failed, I found myself quickly with another woman who became my wife. She had to cope with my continual monetary support of my ex-gf so that she would complete dental hygiene school.

Humboldt, you never know.

minir · Post by **minir** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 6:54 am

Humboldt wrote:Just broke things off with the new woman.

Part of me feels very relieved, part of me feels like I just made a huge mistake. Time will tell I guess.

--

Hi Humboldt

It's always sad when things don't turn out as we'd wished, but time really does play into these things imho.

Appreciate the fact she was their when you most needed someone and now its simply time for you both to move on.

There will be someone down the road that truly stirs your soul and you'll know it when it happens. To me at least being comfortable with yourself and each other in a relationship means a lot. Not having to constantly be thinking about the relationship as such, simply enjoying the warmth you bring each other is what matters imho.

Good Luck in your future Humboldt.

--

minir

Roody · Post by **Roody** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 8:39 am

Tough situation man. Sorry you had to go through with it. I do think you did the best thing though. If you are going to question yourself then you never would be completely ready until you dealt with your concerns.

Debbie · Post by **Debbie** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:17 am

minir wrote:There will be someone down the road that truly stirs your soul and you'll know it when it happens. To me at least being comfortable with yourself and each other in a relationship means a lot. Not having to constantly be thinking about the relationship as such, simply enjoying the warmth you bring each other is what matters

I agree with you there Minir. I have applied this in my own life.