Haggis, ScottE, YeoldStoneCat

Spammy · Post by **Spammy** » Fri May 20, 2005 2:56 pm

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Noevo · Post by **Noevo** » Fri May 20, 2005 3:02 pm

Spammy that's frickin' classic!

and dead nutz on lol

Lefty · Post by **Lefty** » Fri May 20, 2005 3:06 pm

Been there a few times

Spammy · Post by **Spammy** » Fri May 20, 2005 3:09 pm

Thanks guys..

Glad you enjoyed it.

Post by **YeOldeStonecat** » Sun May 22, 2005 8:16 am

Ya wanker!

Ahh last night was a Bombay night....went to some of the beach clubs in Rhode Island, they're starting to open up for the season. Great blues rock band.

Blisster · Post by **Blisster** » Sun May 22, 2005 10:06 am

i hung out with Ketel one and some Unix shell code last night!

ScottE · Post by **ScottE** » Sun May 22, 2005 10:26 am

Haven't had a beer in over a month.

Just been too busy.

p2ii · Post by **p2ii** » Sun May 22, 2005 8:58 pm

That's awesome! I just e-mailed it to my wife. It explains alot of my behavior

Post by **YeOldeStonecat** » Mon May 23, 2005 6:49 am

ScottE wrote:Haven't had a beer in over a month. Just been too busy.

You call THAT an excuse?

Pffft, amateurs.

Spammy · Post by **Spammy** » Mon May 23, 2005 6:18 pm

YeOldeStonecat wrote:You call THAT an excuse?

Pffft, amateurs.

ScottE · Post by **ScottE** » Mon May 23, 2005 7:24 pm

YeOldeStonecat wrote:You call THAT an excuse?

Pffft, amateurs.

No, but getting my wisdom teeth yanked out 2 weeks ago is a pretty good excuse. Although I'm totally healed up now. Couldn't use or drink anything with alcohol in it as it would disolve the blood clot. Which is bad news.

Post by **YeOldeStonecat** » Mon May 23, 2005 10:27 pm

ScottE wrote:Couldn't use or drink anything with alcohol in it as it would disolve the blood clot. Which is bad news.

Beer didn't bother mine, had all 4x teeth yanked the same day.

Had beer like....3 days after...was a tough 3 days.

Spammy · Post by **Spammy** » Tue May 24, 2005 3:10 pm

YeOldeStonecat wrote:Beer didn't bother mine, had all 4x teeth yanked the same day. Had beer like....3 days after...was a tough 3 days.

Beer

ScottE · Post by **ScottE** » Tue May 24, 2005 9:18 pm

YeOldeStonecat wrote:Beer didn't bother mine, had all 4x teeth yanked the same day. Had beer like....3 days after...was a tough 3 days.

Yeah, but back in the olden days when you had yours done they probably gave you 3 shots of moonshine before they yanked each one.

Actually that anestesia is some pretty good stuff. I felt great the rest of the day after I woke up from that stuff.