SG Broadband Community

Giggles for the Weekend

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts, then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,

"Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem.

It is very common among losers."

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Dear Diary
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MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening.

The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.

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"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

- - George Carlin

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Some Oxymoron's
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Act naturally

Happily married

Microsoft Works

Holy war

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Airline Food

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Everything except

Civil War

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt Head

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

"Now, then"

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggressive

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

Temporary tax increase

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

Freezer Burn

Honest Politician

Jumbo Shrimp

Loners Club

Postal Service


Hey by Golly it's Saturday

Have a Beer and Kick Back

Hey Already Things are Looking Up

Go here V
http://www.littlewhitedog.com/view_image.asp?view_image=images/news/fido_03_20_2001b_big.jpg

minir

Let me take a whack at this...
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

-Buying a stronger whip
-Changing Riders
-Threatening the horse with termination
-Appointing a committee to study the horse
-Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses
-Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
-Re-classifying the dead horse as "living, impaired"
-Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
-Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed
-Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance
-Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance
-Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses
-Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses
-Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
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Little Timmy was doing very poorly in math. His parents tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of.

Finally in a last ditch effort, they enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Timmy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Timmy was hard at work! His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was finished eating he marched back to his room without a word and in no time was hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time. Day after day the mother tried to understand what had made the difference. Finally, little Timmy brought his report card home. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Timmy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went up to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Timmy looked at her and shook his head.

"Well, then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Timmy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question?"
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Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.
A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
---------------------------------------------Eight Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say

8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
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Eight Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say

8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger!
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I hope you liked them.

Hehehehee, good jokes in here, I enjoyed them all

hi Paft & Heaven_No waves to SeedofChaos


thanks for the funnies. i enjoyed that

glad you liked them Ronald

regards

minir

Hey,

A patient told me this one yesterday.

Why didn't the tampon say hello?

It was too stuck-up!