SG Broadband Community

In our job we do not have the tools to properly get even at times. We can't yell and freak out on the customer, we have to just sit there, reason with the stupidity, and try to make the best of it. Sometimes though, you find that there are ways to get even, while remaining polite and fixing the problem. You just have to be on the lookout for them. This rant is all about getting even.

*Disclaimer, I do not condone or endorse these methods, if you are going to try them instead of just read and laugh at them, try them at your own risk. Nor have I ever used these methods other then in my head, except for that one time, but I was having a really bad day. Again the following getting even methods are for entertainment purposes only, use at your own risk.


Getting even method #1. What does that do?

There you are, removing a modem, and you have the "what exactly does this do" end user on the line. They won't get it, they hardly know how to use internet explorer, but they want to know exactly what the init string you just put in does. So, I always tell em. The conversation normally goes something like this...

Silver: Ok, now that we are in the modem properties, lets click on the advanced tab.
EU: Ok.
Silver: See where it says extra settings? Click in there so we can type.
EU: What?
Silver: The extra settings box, can you see that?
EU: Yes.
Silver: Click in there so we can type something.
EU: Ok.
Silver: Now in that box lets type the following string S as in sam, the # 32 the equals sign 66.
EU: Ok.
Silver: Read to me what you have in the box.
EU: S three two e q u a l
Silver: EQUALS SIGN, not equals the word please.
EU: Oh, I'm new to all this.
Silver: No kidding?
EU: Ok, I now have S32=66.
Silver: All right, so le..
EU: Whats that do?
Silver: What do you mean?
EU: That thing we just typed in, whats it do?
Silver: It's an init string.
EU: What's that?
Silver: It's for your modem.
EU: How's it's help the modem?
Silver: *sigh* The init string is a command line for the modem. In today's world the current modem protocol is V.92, your modem is an older modem and due to that fact it has a hard time recognizing the V.92 protocol. Therefore we use the init string we just put in to force the modem to only accept a v.34 connection in which we are capable of doing due to backwards compatibility. Now that we are in the v.34 mode the modem will be able to recognize the handshake when it is provided getting you online and able to connect to the internet.
EU: Oh.
Silver: Now click OK.

They want to know what it does, I tell em, as explicitly as possible. This also thwarts any other questions of "what does that do, exactly" because if they keep it up, I'm going to go into the whole history of computers and timeline them all the way back up to where their computer is currently. This works with pretty much all questions of this type. I'm not saying to bust out a tirade on someone who just wants to know what internet explorer does, that's easy "IT'S THE INTERNET" is the only answer most will need. Those special individuals though, the ones that won't accept that it's the internet and keep on going on about it, give them the whole speech of hyper text transfer protocol, and start from scratch and tell them the whole history of it. You get the idea.


Getting even method #2. The crunchers.

Proper phone etiquette requires that you not crunch/smack/chew loudly/talk with your mouthful. It's the same as the dinner table. I'm not talking about when you first answer the phone and the person wasn't ready and has a mouthful, I'm talking about the ones that crunch their pringles or smack their gum through the ENTIRE CALL. I have a bag of fritos on hand for these individuals, that's right, the call turns into a crunch off. I am here to tell you that NOTHING, except for corn nuts, crunch louder then fritos.

Silver: Hi thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?
EU: *crunch* Mumble soffy, my mouf if full.
Silver: That's ok, swallow that bite and let me know what the problem is.
EU: Ok, my mouse pointer moves like the wind. *crunch* *crunch* *crunch*
Silver: Oh I see, so you're saying it moves really fast?
EU: *crunch* *crunch* Yeah it's like I move it a little and blam it's on the other side of the screen. *crunch*
Silver(sound of crinkling heard in the background. Here comes the fritos you hamham): Oh well, that's easy enough to fix, lets click on start, settings, control panel.
EU: *crunch* Ok, I'm in control panel.
Silver: *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH* mmmffK Let's click on Mouse. *CRUNCH*
EU(a slight pause, possibly waiting for the hearing to come back): Uhh, *crunch* ok on mouse settings panel. *crunch*
Silver: *CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH* Ok, see the mouse speed line, where you can ad*CRUNCH**CRUNCH*just it? Let's *CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH* turn that down some.
EU: *crunch* *crunch* *crunch*
Silver: *CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH*
Eu: Ok, that fixed it.
Silver: *CRUNCH*

I have had a few epic crunching battles, again, only ever being beaten by one lady who had corn nuts. Corn nut lady, I tip my hat to you. For future crunchers, keep a bag of fritos handy, they will think twice before crunching in anyones ear, ever again.

Getting even method #3. Become the dumb.

This method works very well with any annoying user. Be it the "I'm so angry my password doesn't work" or the "I'm brand new at all this" or even the "I'm supar smarty msca certifieded" people. It works like this, become the dumb, envelope the dumb that you get on your phone everyday, and become dumber then the eu for the duration of the phone call.

EU: I NEED HELP WITH MY COMPUART PROGRAM FOR INTERNET!
Silver: Oh, ummmm, yeah, well, ok.
EU: CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?
Silver: Uhhhh, yes.
EU: OK IT SAYS MY PASSWORD IS INCORRECT?
Silver: Oh, well, uhhh what's your operation program, windows 93?
EU: NO IT'S WINDOWS XP FOR MICROSOFT.
Silver: Oh wow, I'm pretty new to that one, does it have a start button?
EU: YES IT HAS A START BUTTON, CAN YOU FIX MY PASSWORD?
Silver: Uhhh, yes?
EU: GOOD CAN YOU MAKE IT JUMPJUMP, I'M A PROFESSIONAL JUMP ROPER.
Silver: uhh, maybe. Let me ask someone real quick.
EU: OK.
Silver: Uhmmm, well they like, uhmmm wanted to know your user name and stuff.
EU: USERNAME IS JUMPROPER6969
Silver: Ohh, so hows that jump roping working out for you?
EU: WHAT? IT'S GOOD, CAN YOU CHANGE MY PASSWORD?
Silver: Oh yeah, uhmmm, yes.
EU: THANKS.
(put user on hold here, while you confer with a second level about windows93)
Silver: Ok sir, what were you needing again?
EU: MY PASSWORD, CHANGE MY PASSWORD PLZ.
Silver: Oh yeah, you're on windows38 right?
EU: NO WINDOWS XP, CAN YOU CHANGE MY PASSWORD?*crunch**crunch*
Silver: *CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH* Yes, but first we have to delve into the buffer of the windows73 operation system and get into the back buffer of the ram drive on the modem. You see due to the new protocol of INTERNET 3.8892 the reason your password is not working is *CRUNCH* due to the fact that the rubber band node is compromised with the infrastruction of S83.45 in the hard drive. Do you understand.
EU: *crunch*WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?
Silver: *CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH* Your password has now been changed, thank you for calling. *CRUNCH*
EU: GOOD LORD.

See what I did there?

Dont ya ever just want to ask em didnt it come with a manual?
Dont ya know how to read?

I still like my guy that took apart his ps. What a tard

LOL

Hey silver ya talked TO carl lately about that Hp printer and those brittany spears pictures

Hahaha, I almost forgot about that!!! Good times. hehe.

That was Hilarious. I no longer work there, I left last may but they layed off all the techs--- sent them to FLA.

OMG! That is a riot! Well written too! lol

Originally posted by Silver
Silver: Hi thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?
EU: *crunch* Mumble soffy, my mouf if full.
Silver: That's ok, swallow that bite and let me know what the problem is.
EU: Ok, my mouse pointer moves like the wind. *crunch* *crunch* *crunch*
Silver: Oh I see, so you're saying it moves really fast?
EU: *crunch* *crunch* Yeah it's like I move it a little and blam it's on the other side of the screen. *crunch*
Silver(sound of crinkling heard in the background. Here comes the fritos you hamham): Oh well, that's easy enough to fix, lets click on start, settings, control panel.
EU: *crunch* Ok, I'm in control panel.
Silver: *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH* mmmffK Let's click on Mouse. *CRUNCH*
EU(a slight pause, possibly waiting for the hearing to come back): Uhh, *crunch* ok on mouse settings panel. *crunch*
Silver: *CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH* Ok, see the mouse speed line, where you can ad*CRUNCH**CRUNCH*just it? Let's *CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH* turn that down some.
EU: *crunch* *crunch* *crunch*
Silver: *CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH**CRUNCH*
Eu: Ok, that fixed it.
Silver: *CRUNCH*
See what I did there? [/B]

LOL!

A little bit more for ya....

I arrive at work, and get my cup of coffee and a bottle of water. A slow walk to my cubicle, I turn on my computers, sit down and sign into my phone. A sip of coffee, and I settle in to stare at my cubicle walls for 8 hours with my 2 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch. Ah yes, the life of kings that I live.

Staring at my cube wall, strange things start to happen. Does it seem brighter in here to you? What's that noise? All of the sudden my cubicle walls fall away, the building I am in disappears, and I am sitting on a surfboard, in bright blue water, the sound is the waves crashing in front of me. Wow, my day just got better! Looking behind me a set starts rolling in, nice and clean, about 6'. I let the first wave pass, on the second, well it's go time. A few good strokes into the wave, and I pop up and cruise down the face. Tucking into the tube, and sinking deep into it, well I think I just saw god.

*ding! “Caller”

The wave just closed out on me.

Caller: HALP PLZ, MY INTROWEBFACTGETTER SAYS IT'S AN ERROR!!

Getting worked via wipeout, I get a pounding on the reef, somewhere in there I rub a sea-snake wrong and it bites my pinky toe. Yep I'm dead.

Caller: WHAT? ARE YOU THERE? HONEY I THINK MY DAMN HEARING AID WENT OUT AGAIN!!!

Me: Yes, sir. How can I help you?

45 minutes later, I finally get him to figure out how to hit send/receive in outlook. My coffee is cold, and my first break is still an hour away. I stare at my cubicle walls again, a single tear falls from my eye as the cubicle walls fall away again.

There is something decidedly orgasmic about cruising about 70 or so on a Ducati along a nice twisty coastal highway. Feeling the motor between your legs, leaning through the turns, and cranking on the gas through the straights. Speaking of straights, coming up is a nice long one. I pull out of the turn and let her loose. Churning through the gears, glancing feverishly between the road and the speedometer. 90....100...110...120 if you poked a hole in my arm right now, it would leak pure adrenaline 140... 150... 160 that same hole that was poked in my arm would now squirt adrenaline about 20 feet I bet.

*ding “Caller”

It seems as though, that truck doesn't see me.

Caller: Hello, I was having trouble with my ebay, so I opened up my computer and tried to fix the modem card. Now it sparks everytime I try to turn it on, is all this smoke natural?

The truck definitely didn't see me. No way I can slow down in time, I plow into the trucks grill at 160. The last thing I see, is the “wtf, that's a big bug” look on the drivers face as I come crashing through his window. If he hadn't needed to find the right country station, he might have seen me. Not that it matters now though.

Caller(amid a series of popping and sizzle noises): OH, oh my! I think I might have made the modem angry, it keeps hissing at me.

Me: Maam, please unplug your computer RIGHT NOW!

20 minutes of explaining to her that poking at the modem with a screwdriver is somewhat akin to sticking a fork into a toaster, I get her transferred to hardware. It's break time, I need more coffee. Sitting back down at my cube, I scope a few of my daily sites, then kick back and stare at my cube wall again.

I'm falling. Fast so fast, the wind has become this huge roar in my ears. Even though I know I'm falling, the ground is still a ways away, I spread my arms and legs and just sort of let myself drift along, I am not worried, as I packed the chute myself, and I feel it's reassuring weight upon my back. My altimeter tells me it's time to pull the cord. I give it a yank and hear the chute deploy and feel it catch me up in it's grip. Slowly drifting just enjoying the scenery, it sure is a beautiful day.

*ding “Caller”

I hear a loud sound, “Hey, that kinda sounds like something is ripp..” I'm falling.

Caller: Hi I was wanting to order your expansion cd?

Me: Please hold I will transfer you.

Within 3 seconds I have put the user on hold, dialed the order desk and hit the transfer button. This is going to be close. I stare at my cubicle wall, it falls away. I'm falling, this time though the ground is much much closer then it was before. My main chute has a huge rip in it, split almost in two. I cut away from it, and pull the reserve, and breath deep as it catches me up in it's grip. The day was saved, the user was transferred.

*ding “Caller”

Hey, why does that buckle look a bit loo.. I'm falling.

Caller: My friend who is a computer GURU told me to call you guys so you can upgrade my ram so the internet will go faster.

I put myself into a dive, I locate a small building and head straight for it, nice and quick. Release.

Caller: He knows what he is talking about so you better fix it.

Me: Maam, putting in some extra ram would speed up programs, but it would do nothing for your internet. I'm sorry, but maybe you heard him wrong?

Caller: I DIDN'T HEAR HIM WRONG, HE SAID IF I GOT RAM IT WOULD SPEED UP MY INTERNET!! HOW I INSTALL RAM??!!

Me: Right. Let me get you to hardware, they can fix you up!

Somedays you just have to pass the buck.

Lunch comes and goes, uneventful of course. I log back into my phone and stare at my cube wall again. It falls away.

I'm stuck. The tips of my fingers barely gripping a small almost non-existent crevice. My right foot holding me up on a small ledge, while my left foot searches for another foot hold. This sucks. I'm going to fall before I can even get another call. Hrm.

*blink

I am greeted with the sound of small waves lapping against the hull of my ship. The sky is as blue as the water, and a gentle breeze that smells of saltwater greets my nose. Ahh, what a day. I cast out and start reeling in, waiting for my first fish of the day. Donk, I get a hit on the line and jerk the rod, yep, he's hooked. Whoa, this must be a big one too, glad I strapped myself in. Here we go, reeling in this fish, which must be huge.

*ding “Caller”

Fish is almost to the boat, jeez this thing is big!! Wait, why does it have all those teeth?

Caller: Hello! I'm not computer literate so you're going to have to go slow, I'm new to this web thing.

A great white shark can breach the water when it has enough speed. This one had more then enough, and it was kinda mad about the whole hook in mouth thing. So if I have ever doubted that a great white could or couldn't jump out of the water, well I just found out that they can. The harness is now empty, and it looks like Silver was on the menu.

Me: That's ok, what seems to be the problem?

Caller(whispering): It's the hackers, they are trying to steal my stories.

Me: Ok, well have you looked into a firewall.

Caller: Yes, they hacked through it because they have DNS!! I called the sheriff, but he said he couldn't help.

Me: Ok, well if you want, I can give you the url to zone alarm which provides a free software firewall which may quell your fears of hackers.

Caller: They installed hidden cameras in my home. They want my writings.

Me: what.

Caller: HIDDEN CAMERAS!! They have them everywhere, they just want my writings.

Me: oic. Have you ever tried to have them tracked? Or maybe have a security system installed?

Caller: I have a security system, they have it hacked as well, with their TCP/IP properties. Ohhhh why me, they just want my writings. I'm a writer you know.

Me: Yes you have made that evident. Have you ever just taken your computer offline, and not plugged it into the internet?

Caller: YES BUT THEY HACKED IT WITH A SATELLITE!!

Me: ok. Well unfortunately, we cannot help you with software related material that is not our own. I would suggest possibly getting a firewall, and that should keep the hackers out. I would get the security company to possibly come through your house and take out the hidden cameras, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS!!! They are everywhere.

Caller: OMG SOMEONE IS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR!!!

Me: RUN RUN RUN, GET OUT NOW, DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOU ALIVE!!!!

Caller(sound of phone dropping): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Me: whoa.

Quitting time. Ahh the day in the life of a tech. I was quite bored today.

I love it,Thats some funny stuff!

Originally posted by Silver

*ding “Caller”

Fish is almost to the boat, jeez this thing is big!! Wait, why does it have all those teeth?

Caller: Hello! I'm not computer literate so you're going to have to go slow, I'm new to this web thing.

A great white shark can breach the water when it has enough speed. This one had more then enough, and it was kinda mad about the whole hook in mouth thing. So if I have ever doubted that a great white could or couldn't jump out of the water, well I just found out that they can. The harness is now empty, and it looks like Silver was on the menu.

Me: That's ok, what seems to be the problem?

Caller(whispering): It's the hackers, they are trying to steal my stories.

Me: Ok, well have you looked into a firewall.

Caller: Yes, they hacked through it because they have DNS!! I called the sheriff, but he said he couldn't help.

Me: Ok, well if you want, I can give you the url to zone alarm which provides a free software firewall which may quell your fears of hackers.

Caller: They installed hidden cameras in my home. They want my writings.

Me: what.

Caller: HIDDEN CAMERAS!! They have them everywhere, they just want my writings.

Me: oic. Have you ever tried to have them tracked? Or maybe have a security system installed?

Caller: I have a security system, they have it hacked as well, with their TCP/IP properties. Ohhhh why me, they just want my writings. I'm a writer you know.

Me: Yes you have made that evident. Have you ever just taken your computer offline, and not plugged it into the internet?

Caller: YES BUT THEY HACKED IT WITH A SATELLITE!!

Me: ok. Well unfortunately, we cannot help you with software related material that is not our own. I would suggest possibly getting a firewall, and that should keep the hackers out. I would get the security company to possibly come through your house and take out the hidden cameras, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS!!! They are everywhere.

Caller: OMG SOMEONE IS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR!!!

Me: RUN RUN RUN, GET OUT NOW, DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOU ALIVE!!!!

Caller(sound of phone dropping): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Me: whoa.

Quitting time. Ahh the day in the life of a tech. I was quite bored today. [/B]

lmao run run run get out now! ."Caller: I have a security system, they have it hacked as well, with their TCP/IP properties"That had to be a prank.

LOL! Man Silver.. You got some good descriptions in your writings. I would start talking to a publisher. You could call the book - "Silver - A Cubicle Hell life story"

Watcha think?

Haha, THANK YOU! I should start putting the book out there, look for the made for TV movie in 2005

Silver. Since your a tech support guy on the phone and such I thought you [and others here] might enjoy the comic I read regularly. Its called User Friendly. Here is the link:
http://www.userfriendly.org/

Thanks, seen that one, although I haven't read it lately, might have to catch up on it.

"I'm falling. Fast so fast, the wind has become this huge roar in my ears. Even though I know I'm falling, the ground is still a ways away, I spread my arms and legs and just sort of let myself drift along, I am not worried, as I packed the chute myself, and I feel it's reassuring weight upon my back. My altimeter tells me it's time to pull the cord. I give it a yank and hear the chute deploy and feel it catch me up in it's grip. Slowly drifting just enjoying the scenery, it sure is a beautiful day."

Nice.

That's some funny stuff! Sounds way to much like my work day.

Kyler1

you should write a book. Your hilarious.

Glad you are back and posting again, I'll tell you what, next time you need to run away on a Ducati.......you can borrow mine.

I don't do that for just anybody, but you're special.

Cool links, I got some reading to do! Keep em' coming Silver!