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Thread: The Unofficial Rulebook to Speedguide

  1. #1
    Best In Show Noevo's Avatar
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    Post The Unofficial Rulebook to Speedguide

    Take them for what there worth and try to laugh at least once while reading them. No members were harmed in the making of this thread. I swear! No offense meant to anyone/anything mentioned all in good fun
    PS- Would someone PLEASE find me a good hobby for while I am at work, my hands hurt from all this typing

    1)You can't respond positvely to something that has been posted before. Even if you still find it funny.
    1A: You may post a funny picture directed at the offending member, provided it makes them look like a fool.
    1B: If you can't find a picture, reciting this rule to them is sufficient.
    1C: Anything a newb posts is susceptible to this rule.
    1D: If you are yelled at for posting a pic (i.e. "Welcome to Last Week") you are entitled to beat that person senseless. Then recite this rule to them.
    1E: The more pics like this you post, the more popular you become. Known as the Q Effect.
    Breaking this rule is punishable by stoning by all other members.

    2) When talking to brent, the words homosexual, butt, video card, borg, and [H]ard MUST be used or he won't understand you.

    3) When addressing Philip you MUST kiss his hand or else suffer the wrath of Bouncer

    4) When somone posts a serious/touching/thought provoking thread do your best to skim the entire 5 pages at best and then reply with one or two words. doesn't matter what they are.

    5) Ignore all posts that try to prove you have no life. just because you read EVERY post on speedguide doesn't mean you don't have a real life

    6) State your opinions on AMD vs. Intel whether you really care or not. The key here is to be aggresive for one or the other.
    6A: This also applies to NVidia vs. ATI, import vs. domestic, Brittany vs. Pamela Anderson, and God vs. No God.

    7) If someone makes a mistake, even if it appears to just be a typo, YOU MUST nail them to the cross for making the mistake.
    7A: If they are highly religious, tell them they will go to Hell for making the mistake.
    7B: If they are an atheist or not very religious, tell them if they payed more attention to God then He would not have allowed them to make such a mistake.
    7C: if they are a newb, ignore all other rules and flame the hell out of them!!!

    8) No matter whether they are right or wrong if someone you do not like makes a statement contradict it.
    8A: if they are a newb and you don't like them, be especially venomous.

    9) Regarding political threads. There are only 3 appropriate responses. 1) For Democrats and very whiny about Rebublicans
    2) for Republicans and very whiny about Democrats 3) state you are for anarchy
    9A: If a Democrat you must make a derogatory reference to George W. Bush
    9B: If a Republican you must make reference to Bill Clinton AND Monica Lewinsky
    9C: If you are not an American you must tell everyone why the US sucks.

    10) Remember that some members will always be newb's regardless of post count. Treat them accordingly.

    11) In reference to post count. This is a tricky area, sometimes it counts sometimes it doesn't. it's all dependent on the situation.
    11A: If in an argument or dispute with a newb make sure you make them aware that they have only a few posts compared to your bazillion and that means that you know more of whats best for the forum then they do.
    11B: Between two, or more, veteran posters Post Count becomes null and void. Except in the following cases;
    b1: An opinion is given about what would make the forum better. Then the person with higher post count has more say
    b2: There is a dispute about the content of a members posts (form here on known as "Smap"). In this case the member with fewer posts is always in the right.
    b3: A person who posts several times in a row, intentionally and consistently (hence forth known as "Loboing", should have there post count ignored by all except newbies.
    b4: This rule does not apply to John or Brent.

    12) If you have even the slightest idea that a new member is actually a previously banned member you must call them on it, in public.
    The MMC Clause: Even if it turns out to be not true, make sure to not let that person forget you have your doubts about them
    12A: If you believe it to be Omni, in any of his shapes or forms, tell everyone you know and then try to get him riled up enough to admit it.
    12B: If everyone else turns against you and no one seems to believe you ABANDON SHIP and attempt to make peace with the accused.

    13) When picking a target for a Photochopping, choose the victim wisely. Make sure they have a sense of humor BEFORE posting your masterpiece.
    Can give it but can't take it clause: Make sure their sense of humor applies to them being able to make fun of themselves. Some people have a great sense of humor but none when it comes to making fun of themselves.
    13A: Make sure there does not exist a conduit between you and your intended victim that acts like a Voodoo Doll. (this is known as the Noevo Tries to Blind Ken Effect).
    13B: Make them appear ugly and/or deformed.
    AMENDMENT: Martian Cronicles Clause henceforth known as MCC.
    13[MCC]a: If newbs post their pic, they are not considered fair game, only those deserving of such effort to ridicule and humilitate and otherwise be made fun of by the artistic community here shall be deemed worthy.
    13[MCC]b:Tastefull photochoppery of Fishnet is not allowed at any time nor will it be condoned on any level
    13[MCC]c: Tasteless is always better and mandatory
    13[MMC]d: The former Martiangod and EvilAngel are to be revered as the true gods that they are and placed higher on the evolutionary chain then Noevo, Fishnet and Ameba, but not to surpass the monkey/ape, who we all know is the real forefather of most if not all Speedguide members
    13[MCC]e: Evilangel does look good in ladies underware, although this is a given, please feel free to dress him up at any available chance, it will show him who really wears the pants in his Kittens world
    13[MCC]f: If someone askes to be phottochopped, it is not allowed, phottochopping must be done sporaticaly and with malice, said askers are to be ignored and expected to just go away
    13[MCC]g: Noevo DOES look good in a bikini, again, this is a given but must be written into law so there is no question

    14) With Regards to MadDoctor. There are no rules. He/She is fair game.
    14A: If provoked MadDoctor will however continue to torment you for the rest of your life. you must maintain a constant vigil looking out for his "boys".

    15) The Brembo Law: No one here is an Idiot. Well, technically there is one. But it is deemed mean to make fun of him and point it out.
    15A: Make fun of this person and point it out to him at every opportunity. he enjoys it.
    15B: The word "fishnet" must from here on always be used when addressing this person.

    16) Signatures. Whine about them being only 5 lines at every chance you get. Before whining make sure that;
    16A: Your sig is longer than 5 lines
    16B: At least one other person agrees with you.

    17) Avatars. Use them and abuse them. They are your right! Put whatever you choose there regardless of other peoples feelings.
    17A: Newbies are exempt from this rule. They have no right to anything here. EVAR!
    17B: Scantily clad women are especially good for annoying some people, but an anti-anything (especially religious) avatar will get you more attention.
    17C: "The Fanta Clause" which means whoever's avatar has the jiggliest boobs gets teh power up and wins teh game!

    18) The HalfLifer Syndrom: This simply states that you have the right to be a jerk and not realize it.
    18A: This is the one rule that newbs are allowed to act like a veteran. They may both attack the person suffering from HalfLifer Syndrome at will.
    18B: When wee96 shows up make fun of him too. Big Dog, Little Dog rule.

    19) Whatever Noevo says is true. You are not allowed to question it, think it over, analyze it, or otherwise comment to it except in a positive light. His ego is fragile and needs all the help he can get.
    19A: Newbs, attack Noevo at will. He enjoys a good newbwhich time and again

    20) Ken Rocks! Simple rule. He just does.

    21) With regards to "SG Chapter Meetings". All (at least those legally allowed) participants must be drunker than Ted Kennedy on a three day bender.
    21A: Beware of the Fishnet
    21B: DO NOT under any circumstances take any pictures.
    21C: If a camera is seen in the area be wary of it and do not react to it. You don't want to give it a chance to catch you doing something that could be construed as unseemly.

    22) John is cool. No further info available. It wouldn't be cool

    23) You are always guilty until proven innocent. OR until at least 10 other members say you are innocent.
    23A: newbies do not count towards the 10 members.

    24) You must reply to ALL birthday and other congratulatiory threads!! You will be shunned if you don't.

    25) Minir is exempt from all rules here within. Don't tell anyone, but he is even cooler than John.

    26) You must always talk about Speedguide, even when meeting people in the "real world".

    27) Do not argue the merits of AMD with Macho. He is a sphincter sucking prostitute for whatever brand he owns at the moment.
    27A: Only when Mach buys an AMD system in the year 2024 when AMD finally gets the heat issue taken care of will rule 27 be amended.
    27B: Nvidia was better than ATI from 2000-2001 when he owned a Geforce. ATI is better from 2001-2002 now that he owns a Radeon.
    27C: "The Bala Amendment" Do not try to convince Mach that there is a more stable motherboard than the one he himself owns. Especially when your experience with said board is only 2 days in duration.

    28) It is a given that Mach and Qwijib0 join forces to defend the honor of Intel. Speedguide is not responsible for any physical or property damage you might incur from bashing Intel in their presence. P|-|33R!

    29) Rambus is faster than DDR.
    29A: Try and argue that it is the opposite and prepare to be flamed with sandra benchmarks, and random photochops.

    30) Regarding the usage of words such as teh, muh, 1337 and the likes; Use them at your own discretion. There are two different reasons to use these words; 1) because you want to 2) to annoy the hell out of someone who can't stand there usage.
    30A: Remember that some people just don't look right using these words. Just like how some people just don't sound right cussing.
    30B: If you are one of those people in 30A, prepare to be bombarded with , , and even . Theres nothing you can do. you deserved it.

    31) The strongest is always the one on top.

    32) If you don't have something nice to say, say it anyway. Postcount +

    33) Ignore Amro. This rule subject to change without notice (at least the member being ignored will change) after all, we will always be ignoring someone

    34) LinuxDawg Syndrome, sometimes referred to as ColdFusion Girlfriend Claus (CFG). Simply

    stated; If you post a picture of your "girlfriend" on the forums, ask yourself the following

    first; 1) Is she a real person? 2) Is she really my girlfriend 3) if answered no to 1 or 2,

    are there other pictures of "her" available on the web? If you you answered no, no, yes.

    be prepared for the following.
    34A: Members are allowed to doubt that she is your girlfriend until you provide proof.

    The burden of proof is on you, the poster, not us.
    34B: Newbs are also allowed to second guess and ridicule you.
    34C: Excuses like "my camera is broke" WILL NOT buy you more time.
    34D: After you admit that she really isn't your girlfriend, you are not allowed to make

    fun of other people for making things up for two years.

    35) With regards to the use of emoticons or "smilies"; Overuse of a single smiley every time you post is NOT acceptable. Posting EVERY smiley in a single post is also frowned upon.
    35A: The BJS Claus; If your name is BigJimSlate you are allowed to use at will, with no restrictions. we give up
    35B: the use of is taboo. use with extreme caution.
    35C: If you post a new smiley that people like, prepare for it to be used ALL THE TIME for at least one day. Usage will subside and things will return to normal, unless it is an exceptional smiley

    36) w00t. Its a fricking word. Deal with it.
    36C: had to put a rule here just so I could have a 36C rule

    37) In response to Bedtime, I'm Leaving, Do You Like Me? threads; Post at your own risk. These type of threads are prime targets for threadjacking. And you have no recourse. Best to avoid posting these threads if at all possible.

    38) ThreadJacking. Dangerous area, best left to "expert" members. This rule is very similar to Rule 11. It all depends on who the "jacker" is. Depending on who this is determines how the threadjack will be received.
    38A: DO NOT threadjack a serious heartfelt thread. Unless the thread starter is the one who starts the threadjack
    38B: Rule 37 viloators are subject to any and all threadjacks. no questions
    38C: Pictures and LARGE amounts of text are acceptable forms of threadjacking.
    38D: Post fast, and post often. A mod or admin is sure to find a hot threadjacking in progress and close down operations.
    38DD: see Rule 36C.

    39) If you have a sister, or you yourself are a girl/woman YOU MUST post pictures for all to see. Same if you are mother and have a cute daughter. This is especially true if either Rule 36C or 38DD exist.


    All rules subject to change without prior written notice, or any other type of notice. These are the rules, you must comply or face the consequences. Unless other wise noted, the punishment for breaking these rules is decided and handed out by MadDoctor.

    For any questions, or to report a rule violation send an e-mail or private message to your closest and dearest forum cop. A donation of $5 will speed the process up greatly.

    Enjoy your stay. Remember, these are your forums. Do what you want. But follow the rules at all times.
    Last edited by Noevo; 04-13-02 at 01:21 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member grundy's Avatar
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  3. #3
    R.I.P. 2017-10-02 Joint Chiefs of Staff's Avatar
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    Those were great!!!!

    >>Cult Master of International Affairs<<

  4. #4
    Junior Member MadDoctor's Avatar
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    It all comes down to this one quote:

    19) Whatever Noevo says is true. You are not allowed to question it, think it over, analyze it, or otherwise comment to it except in a positive light.

    People will forget what you said... and people will forget what you did... but people will never forget how you made them feel.

  5. #5
    resident Humboldt's Avatar
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    Bit of spare time on your hands, eh?

  6. #6
    Game Freak Gaming-Module's Avatar
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    You forgot rule 27) Do not argue the merits of AMD with Macho. He is a sphincter sucking prostitute for whatever brand he owns at the moment.
    27A) Only when Mach buys an AMD system in the year 2024 when AMD finally gets the heat issue taken care of will rule 27 be amended.
    27B) Nvidia was better than ATI from 2000-2001 when he owned a Geforce. ATI is better from 2001-2002 now that he owns a Radeon.
    27C) "The Bala Amendment" Do not try to convince Mach that there is a more stable motherboard than the one he himself owns. Especially when your experience with said board is only 2 days in duration.

    28) It is a given that Mach and Qwijib0 join forces to defend the honor of Intel. Speedguide is not responsible for any physical or property damage you might incur from bashing Intel in their presence. P|-|33R!

    29) Rambus is faster than DDR.

  7. #7
    Counter-Strike Addict AoDLiQuiD-M3tH's Avatar
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    lol great anymore? man really good guys thanks for the laugh
    -[AoD]-LiQuiD>M3tH-[SA]-
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  8. #8
    Best In Show Noevo's Avatar
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    Originally posted by AoDLiQuiD-M3tH
    lol great anymore? man really good guys thanks for the laugh

    30) Regarding the usage of words such as teh, muh, 1337 and the likes; Use them at your own discretion. There are two different reasons to use these words; 1) because you want to 2) to annoy the hell out of someone who can't stand there usage.
    30A: Remember that some people just don't look right using these words. Just like how some people just don't sound right cussing.
    30B: If you are one of those people in 30A, prepare to be bombarded with , , and even . Theres nothing you can do. you deserved it.

    31) The strongest is always the one on top.

    32) If you don't have something nice to say, say it anyway. Postcount +

    Originally posted by Humboldt
    Bit of spare time on your hands, eh?
    ya think? actually I have a butt load of work that I am doing a very good job at putting off to my own detriment.

  9. #9
    SG Enthusiast Rainbow's Avatar
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    hmm but am I laughing at you or with you?

  10. #10
    Flip Chip Qwijib0's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Macho-Module

    28) It is a given that Mach and Qwijib0 join forces to defend the honor of Intel. Speedguide is not responsible for any physical or property damage you might incur from bashing Intel in their presence. P|-|33R!

    29) Rambus is faster than DDR.
    29A) Try and argue that it is the opposite and prepare to be flamed with sandra benchmarks, and random photochops.
    If your browser can't read unicode, you should probably switch!

  11. #11
    Counter-Strike Addict AoDLiQuiD-M3tH's Avatar
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    -[AoD]-LiQuiD>M3tH-[SA]-
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  12. #12
    Best In Show Noevo's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Rainbow

    hmm but am I laughing at you or with you?
    Either way is fine with me

  13. #13
    SG Enthusiast Suzie's Avatar
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    How about some comics too?

    "We don't see things as they are. We see them as we are."

  14. #14
    Best In Show Noevo's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Suzie
    How about some comics too?
    i'm done with the Voodoo comics for a while was wreckin' my karma

  15. #15
    R.I.P. 2018-07-16 RoundEye's Avatar
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    Re: The Unofficial Rulebook to Speedguide

    Originally posted by Noevo

    4) When somone posts a serious/touching/thought provoking thread do your best to skim the entire 5 pages at best and then reply with one or two words. doesn't matter what they are.

    Blow Me!

  16. #16
    Maneater JawZ's Avatar
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    Re: Re: The Unofficial Rulebook to Speedguide

    Originally posted by RoundEye


    Blow Me!
    lol...YOU SUCK!


    What about lying about your supposed girlfriend...??? Linuxdawg syndrome I believe????

  17. #17
    Game Freak Gaming-Module's Avatar
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    How about no fapping after labor day?

  18. #18
    Best In Show Noevo's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Macho-Module
    How about no fapping after labor day?

    when isn't it after Labor Day? I mean right now is after labor day as much as the day after labor day is, not to mention the day before labor day is after labor day as well.

    teh kittens would be safer though.



    UOD, I will address that rule in a little bit, definetly one needed for that

    as well as a rule for sticking up for a newbie lol

  19. #19
    Imperial Impotentate brembo's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Macho-Module
    How about no fapping after labor day?
    Only if yer wearing white.
    Tao_Jones Cult Member since 2004
    I gave Miss Manners a Dirty Sanchez, and she LIKED it.

  20. #20
    Junior Member MadDoctor's Avatar
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    I've gotta go change.....
    People will forget what you said... and people will forget what you did... but people will never forget how you made them feel.

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