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Thread: ATTBI announces new features!!!

  1. #1
    Official Photographer Dakota's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Vancouver, Wa

    ATTBI announces new features!!!

    Borrowed from another forum

    The following new "features" for real-life have been announced on the ATTBI webpage :

    Sunsets will now be 60% less beautiful, and rainbows will no longer have any red, green, or blue.
    These features will help people drive better, with no distraction from the beautiful colors in the sky.

    All music will now contain 25% less notes, to save time listening to most songs. This will make everyone's life more efficient.
    Let's practice the new opening to "Beethoven's Fourth-&-a-Half." Da-daa-daa.............

    All Olympic sports will now be played by 300-pound athletes. The reduction in speed will be easier for cameramen and viewers to follow. ("Oh my goodness, the balance-beam just SNAPPED in two !!!!!")

    Puppies and kitties are now only half as cute as they were last week. The decrease in warm-&-fuzzy feelings will help people earn more money by becoming meaner business people. This will spur the weak economy.

    ATTBI has determined that reading books takes too long :
    The Bible will now have zero references to God, or any names beginning with "J." Reading the entire book should now take about 10 minutes.

    Movie Projectors will now run at 10X speed so theaters can have more showings throughout the day. The chipmunk-audio will still be intelligible, but ATTBI doesn't recommend blinking too much.

    TV will once again be in Black-&-White, but reversed. This makes "Different Strokes" a totally new show !!! Great feature !!!!

    All images of Brittany Spears will now have black bars over most body parts. The "Brittany Black-Bar Boob-Blocker" will make people focus more on her considerable singing talent.

    Most health-care providers will still let you choose your own doctor, as long as your choice is "Pepper," "Seuss," or "Demento."

    In order to adhere to our advertising claims, ATTBI hereby announces a speed cap on actual "Lightning." It will now move at a max-speed of 25 mph, but sometimes a lot slower. (This will give you time to run away.)
    Furthermore, "blazing speed" will now be defined as "How fast you could run uphill, in a snowstorm, if you were on fire."

    Sexual pleasure will now work on a tiered system.
    On the lower tier, it will feel like a nice hug and Cup-O'-Soup from your Granny. On the middle tier, it will only feel as good as a shoulder-rub. On the highest tier....Oh, who are we trying to kid, nobody's going to get to the highest tier.

    We're sure these features will take some getting used to, but at least we're not charging for air. (Not until we can install the billing software to do so.)

    AT&T's new advertising slogan : Replacing Service with Spin for a New Millennium.
    We Remember...
    40 miles SW of Mt. St. Helens

  2. #2
    Certified SG Addict Brent's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 1999

    funny funny, but all to true with AT&T right now
    "Would you mind not standing on my chest, my hats on fire." - The Doctor

  3. #3
    Second Most EVIL YARDofSTUF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2000


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