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Thread: I have to admit to myself and others……………

  1. #1
    R.I.P. 2018-07-16 RoundEye's Avatar
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    Unhappy I have to admit to myself and others……………

    …………… I am a cripple now.



    That’s been the hardest thing for me to admit to myself. I have to say that this Multiple Sclerosis has got me by the shorthairs. It affects everybody differently since it’s a nerve disorder. My sense of balance is gone, my ability to swallow has been impacted severely, my short term memory is gone ( I swear if God hadn’t put my nuts in a sack, I’d forget where they are) and there is a lot of other problems. That’s just the most significant. It really pissed off my wife when I was trying to do some work in the attic and fell out onto the floor. That kind of hurt. What made me have to admit this is the work that was just done on my house. It is VERY hard for me to sit back and watch others work. I’m slow at what I do and it frustrates the hell out of others to wait for me to finish. It’s a change I’m going to have to learn to live with and it ain’t easy to accept at all. I’m not the same person I was just a year ago.

    I guess I’m just getting into an acceptance phase. Just beginning to accept this will be the way I am for the rest of my life. If not worse. That’s really the scary part, just the not knowing part if my health will get worse.
    Sliding down the banister of life ..........................

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    resident Humboldt's Avatar
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    Do the best you can RoundEye, you'll still be loved by your family and friends.

    You're a tough bastard, fight when you can but remember to take pleasure out of the things you still enjoy doing.

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    R.I.P. 2018-07-16 RoundEye's Avatar
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    Thanks Humboldt. I just noticed too, the thread title should read, I have to admit to myself and others.

    I just feel like I’m a young kid, I have to relearn how to do a lot of things. Especially my handwriting, I write like a preschooler. My penmanship has never really been the best but now it is bad. I have trouble staying between the lines on a page. Odd, weird stuff I have forgotten how to do. I just really hope I don’t wind up a drooling pet rock to my family.
    Sliding down the banister of life ..........................

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    Moderator YeOldeStonecat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoundEye View Post
    I just noticed too, the thread title should read, I have to admit to myself and others.
    *fixed for ya

    I don't know what words to say Toby, other than I hope things are as tolerable as possible for you and your family regarding the increasing demands in dealing with this situation.
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  5. #5
    Moderator Roody's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry Toby. You are a good guy man. Hang in there and know that you got plenty of family and friends who care about you.

  6. #6
    R.I.P. 2018-07-16 RoundEye's Avatar
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    I’m not going to try and kid anybody about this, I’m having a very difficult time dealing with all this. I think having to ask people for help is the hardest thing for me to accept. It’s put a huge burden on my wife and family. You need a break from work now and then but sitting at home all day sucks the big one. The isolation is killing me. I never was an inside person. I was always doing something, I may not have been doing the right things in some people’s eyes but I was always doing something.

    I guess I should be happy that I know I have MS, it is the answer to a lot of the problems I have been having in the past year or so. I just don’t know how much more I can handle. I’ve said it before and more than likely I’ll say it again, so far in life I’ve had five orthopedic surgeries, eighteen pieces of surgical metal put into me, ten taken out, a bone graft in my neck and now Multiple Sclerosis too? F*** man, how much more can the human body take? You do get tired of fighting after a while. I’ll survive this transformation somehow. I’ve been pretty good at hiding and learning how to work around the loss of some body function, guess I’ll have to learn it more. I haven’t been able to run since my first bike accident in August of 1983, hid it from others OK but I can’t hide this from people. No way, no how.

    I’ll survive all this somehow, it really is a miracle I haven’t killed myself in life so far. I’m just really down right now, bills don’t wait for you to get better and I have no way of generating income. I no longer have a car, the doctors and DMV won’t let me drive. You just don’t realize how dependant you become on car’s until you don’t have one. No busses run around here either.

    Like I said before it’s just hard for me to deal with, a very hard transformation for me to make.
    Sliding down the banister of life ..........................

  7. #7
    Moderator Roody's Avatar
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    My wife is very independent also Toby so I can imagine how hard this is for you from that perspective. That said you should know your family is there to help you as is friends.

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    Certified SG Addict CableDude's Avatar
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    I know how much M.S. sucks..I am going through another exacerbation now. This one came on really fast...usually I can handle it for months before I have to see the Dr.. I guess it is all the nerve damage from previous attacks. This is the usual pain in the hip that goes down the leg...and causes weakness in legs which makes it dificult to walk. The pain this time is excruciating..he has me on a drug to stop my brain from feeling the pain..but I still feel it.
    I hate M.S. it is horrible..I hate the pain..I hate the treatments..and most of all I hate being scared of what is to come. I know that every time I have an exacerbation there is more damage done, and because it is always my legs that one day the damage will leave me unable to walk.
    I hate the fear..knowing I can wake up tomorrow and be unable to see, walk, use my hands. My fear is real because that has happened.
    Right now Chris is at the trailer because I am in too much pain to go..I just got tired of sitting inside all day...and tired of being the wife noone ever sees.
    So, I told him to go have fun for the weekend. I get so depressed when this is happening and not much fun to be around.
    .

  10. #10
    R.I.P. 2018-07-16 RoundEye's Avatar
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    Teirney

    I think you are the only one here that can relate to what I’m going through. Not only am I dealing with MS, age and some very traumatic accidents in the past are starting to catch up in a big way also.

    All I can say is it’s been a long and crazy trip and I’ll have to see where life takes me next. I’m not driving anymore, I’m just a passenger on the ride this time. I don’t know about you but this s*** has made me an emotional mess. One minute I’m fine and the next I could kill a mofo. I’m not kidding either, my moods change from one minute to the next. After all this work that has been done on my house, I left my guns at my mom’s house. I’m in enough of emotional trouble now and I don’t need the headache of spending the rest of my life in prison for shooting some stupid ass. As a side note, you should have seen the look on the guys faces when I walked out of my house with a 12 gauge, Tactile Mossberg. It was priceless. Here’s a picture my wife took a while back, helping me to write a story. I needed some visualization to write it and that helped.

    I tell you what, I didn’t have any problems with my neighbors after they seen me running around the yard wearing a motorcycle helmet and carrying a tactical rifle like S.W.A.T. uses.

    Tierney, my life of raising hell is basically over but somehow, someway, I’ll find the way to enjoy life once more. I have no clue how, at this point, but I’ll learn how. I go through my down times as well, my emotional state is kind of looking OK right now but that can change in a heartbeat, but I have been through way too much to go down without a long, good fight. I refuse to let MS end my life, I just have to find a way to live and survive with it, if for anybody’s sake, my son. He’s only five but gets a huge kick out of seeing his dad get a shot in his stomach. Why? I have no clue at this point but I’ll do what I can to see him laugh. Just because life is a complete misery for me right now doesn’t mean his has to be too.

    The MS has lead me into a ton of problems. I’m near divorce, having troubles big time paying the most basic of bills, all among the health issues. I have to tell myself I’m one badass mofo, I know that sounds weird but I need the mental self preservation. If the good die young, my badass will live forever.
    Sliding down the banister of life ..........................

  11. #11
    Second Most EVIL YARDofSTUF's Avatar
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    On the bright side, as long as you remember how to get to SG you can find anything you've posted if you get that frazzled mentally.

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    R.I.P. 2018-07-16 RoundEye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YARDofSTUF View Post
    On the bright side, as long as you remember how to get to SG you can find anything you've posted if you get that frazzled mentally.
    If I can’t get my data back that may be the end of my short writing “career”. I’m not sure if it’s the MS or my borked state of mind that has caused me not to write lately but someday I might fall back into it. Writing has not come to me easily, I have to get way inside my own head to write and that is a dangerous place. I have stories I want to write but haven’t put them to paper yet. One story I’d like to get a start on is about my friend George but the last time I talked to him he said “no”. Turns out I’m the fourth person to talk to him about writing a book. He’s got Polio, rides a motorbike with a sidecar, and has owned a barber shop at the end of Bourbon Street in the French Quarter for over 35 years. It’s unbelievable the stories this man has to tell. You should see his pictures too. The amount of women who take their clothes off during Mardi Gras to get their picture taken in his sidecar is unbelievable.

    Dude, I’ve lived a crazy life, done more stuff then a lot of people. Taking a trip down memory lane here but I was with my friend James when he shot a guy I was holding during a barfight, I’ve flown a small airplane, I’ve been to offshore oil rigs by helicopter (the pilot was a Viet-Nam vet that looked crazy as hell), old street racer, been to hell and back from accidents too. I could go on and on but this post is long enough. The only thing I can add is people need to get out and enjoy life. You just never know when it’s going to walk up and kick you square in the nuts. And it’s a hard kick too, trust me on that.
    Sliding down the banister of life ..........................

  13. #13
    A+, Security+, Mobility+ Shinobi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoundEye View Post
    If I can’t get my data back that may be the end of my short writing “career”. I’m not sure if it’s the MS or my borked state of mind that has caused me not to write lately but someday I might fall back into it. Writing has not come to me easily, I have to get way inside my own head to write and that is a dangerous place. I have stories I want to write but haven’t put them to paper yet. One story I’d like to get a start on is about my friend George but the last time I talked to him he said “no”. Turns out I’m the fourth person to talk to him about writing a book. He’s got Polio, rides a motorbike with a sidecar, and has owned a barber shop at the end of Bourbon Street in the French Quarter for over 35 years. It’s unbelievable the stories this man has to tell. You should see his pictures too. The amount of women who take their clothes off during Mardi Gras to get their picture taken in his sidecar is unbelievable.

    Dude, I’ve lived a crazy life, done more stuff then a lot of people. Taking a trip down memory lane here but I was with my friend James when he shot a guy I was holding during a barfight, I’ve flown a small airplane, I’ve been to offshore oil rigs by helicopter (the pilot was a Viet-Nam vet that looked crazy as hell), old street racer, been to hell and back from accidents too. I could go on and on but this post is long enough. The only thing I can add is people need to get out and enjoy life. You just never know when it’s going to walk up and kick you square in the nuts. And it’s a hard kick too, trust me on that.
    I said a prayer for you.. I hope you continue to find the strength that you need.
    _______________________________________________
    Vendor neutral certified in IT Project Management, IT Security, Cisco Networking, Cisco Security, Wide Area Networks, IPv6, IT Hardware, Unix, Linux, and Windows server administration

  14. #14
    Senior Member Gixxer's Avatar
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    Thought this to be relevant.


    Book Inspires Buckeye Fan
    08/27/2009



    Many responsibilities come with being a father of three children; overcoming adversity by dealing with multiple sclerosis is not typically included in those duties. Greg Drown has gained valuable insight from Coach Tressel's book, The Winner's Manual, as he seeks to teach his children important lessons in their preparation for life.

    "I developed multiple sclerosis gradually between 1995 and 2000," explained Greg. "It was a shock."

    Multiple sclerosis is an autoimmune disease that attacks a person's central nervous system, causing impairment in sensation, movement and cognition. As Drown's children see their father battling this debilitating disease, they learn a sense of perseverance and willpower that other kids are not exposed to on a daily basis.

    Drown has taken The Winner's Manual to heart when it comes to his family and daily struggle with MS. He thanks Coach Tressel for his wise words as they have helped him through tough times.

    "Chapter 12 sums up my attitude with this disease, and that is HOPE,"said Drown. "There is only hope for me and this disease. Hope that there will be a cure, and hope that I may be able to walk again."

    Drown has given his family hope and a sense of pride throughout his life. A two time captain of the varsity rifle team at Ohio State University, Drown won three Big Ten Rifle Championships.

    Ohio State and Coach Tressel have provided Drown with lifelong experiences and examples to pass down to his children. A native of Fremont, Ohio, Drown is just minutes away from the famous Tressel Vessel. Drown seeks to impose upon his kids the revelations and powerful messages that Tressel has passed on to him through the book.

    "They can learn from my struggles, how I handle them, and they can learn from my message of hope,"Drown explains.

    Despite his struggles, Drown has overcome many obstacles. He most recently won the title of Smallbore 3-Position Any Sight National Champion in Camp Perry, Ohio in July. From the confines of his wheelchair, Drown not only beat out the fully capable competitors, but also was an inspiration for all to witness.

    With Tressel's advice, Drown will not participate in any competition half-heartedly. Page 134 of The Winner's Manual details Drown's constant focus.

    "Whatever you do, do it passionately."

    After being diagnosed with MS, Drown received tremendous support in his plight to battle the disease. Close friend, Detective Brooks Harris, was the main encouragement that pushed Drown to get back on the range and focus on his passion. Drown remembers the advice from Detective Harris.

    "If you do this, there might be someone else out there who'll be inspired [to] try and do more. That's why you'll do this."

    Inspiration seems to have come full circle in this amazing story of the man who overcame adversity. Inspired by the words of Coach Tressel, Drown will go on to participate in tournaments, where in turn, he is bound to inspire many on his very own. To this day, Drown draws strength from one of his favorite quotes from Louis Patton.

    "Winning or losing when you give your best effort is admirable. It shows class. Quitting while you struggle is pathetic."

    With family, friends and some encouragement from The Winner's Manual, Drown has accomplished more than the average person does in a lifetime. With love and support, he has refused to quit and ignore his dreams. Admirably, he will continue to pursue a lifetime of competitive shooting.
    a.k.a. GSXR 750

  15. #15
    R.I.P. 2018-07-16 RoundEye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gixxer View Post
    ....Thought this to be relevant....
    It is relevant and thanks. I need the encouragement from where I can find it these days.

    Whoever said “it’s better to love and lost then to have never loved at all” needs a really good, swift kick in the nads. They didn’t have their health slowly slip away from them. I didn’t try to hide it before, I won’t try to hide it now. I’m having a rough time dealing with all this mentally. Also, if I have to learn one more remote control, my head is gonna pop.
    Sliding down the banister of life ..........................

  16. #16
    resident Humboldt's Avatar
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    RoundEye..do you garden?

    My job is super low-key sometimes and more way more stressful than I can believe others.

    My vegetable garden is awesome. Gives me time to myself that I don't think about work or women or bills...the things that stress me out.

  17. #17
    R.I.P. 2018-07-16 RoundEye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Humboldt View Post
    ...RoundEye..do you garden?...
    No, but I live on the perfect land for it. I live on 6 French Arpents. Each Arpent is about .8 of an acre. My land is only about a 100 feet wide but way deep. (technically my dad’s land)

    A little history lesson here but the French devised that around the Louisiana Purchase time. That way you could still see and be close to your neighbor’s house and plant food out back. My dad’s house is back about 400 feet from the highway and my house is about 1000 feet back. Damn near everything down here in Louisiana is different than the rest of the country. It really is about as close as you can come to a foreign country without crossing the border.
    Sliding down the banister of life ..........................

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