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Thread: Jason Kidd giving marital advice???

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    Thread killer DaddyLongLeg's Avatar
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    Nov 2004

    Jason Kidd giving marital advice???

    As a Laker fan I thought this was hilarious. Hope everyone thinks its as funny as I did

    SACRAMENTO, CA- Doug Christie, forward for the Sacramento Kings, received some much needed marriage advice from the Nets Jason Kidd during a dinner they shared last week. The two went out after a game and discussed everything from basketball to family life. When the conversation steered toward marriage, Kidd was mortified at what he heard.

    “Wow, I had no idea he was such a *****,” said Kidd. “Man, this guy can’t even look at other girls. He can’t even look at them. Poor guy is whipped. He even looked nervous talking about it at dinner, like she was gonna jump out from under the table and yell ‘Ha!’”

    Christie’s relationship with his wife has been the subject of ridicule in recent years. Jackie Christie is known as a domineering and jealous woman who won’t allow her husband to speak to other females unless it is absolutely necessary. She even accompanies him to interviews to make sure there are no “games.”

    “My wife and I love each other very much,” said Christie. “She is a little jealous, but you can’t blame her. There’s a lot of temptation on the road, and she’s just looking out for what’s hers. That being said, Jason did make some interesting points.”

    Kidd, who has been charged with domestic abuse in the past, wanted to help Christie establish a more balanced relationship with his wife. He explained that it’s possible to have a healthy, loving, supportive marriage without being suffocated by one’s spouse.

    “He should slap her, that’s what he should do,” said Kidd. “I don’t mean to sound crude, but if any woman in the world needs a bitch slap, it’s Jackie Christie. Doug just lets her walk all over him, and never says a damn thing about it. That boy needs a trip to the marriage counselor, Dr. Jason. I’ll show him how it's done.”

    Kidd maintains that the best way to a healthy marriage is to assert control and dominion over your wife. He explains that physical abuse is not always the answer, but is sometimes necessary as a last resort.

    “If my wife ever told me I couldn’t look at other women, there would be trouble,” said Kidd. “But see, that never happens because I have already established a system of rewards and punishments. It’s very effective. I’m not telling Doug to start abusing his wife, but…Well, Ok. Maybe I am telling him that. Please, for the sake of yourself, your teammates, and me, beat the living **** out of that woman. No jury in the world would convict you.”

    Christie was initially shocked upon hearing what Kidd had to say, but after giving it some thought, he now believes Kidd has the right idea.

    “Its something to think about,” said Christie. “I’m no wife beater, but there are moments when I do feel it would be appropriate to get physical with her. Like this one time, when a young girl came up to me on the street asking for an autograph. It was totally innocent, but my wife went nuts. She shoved her out of the way and sent the girl off crying. That might have been a good time for me to grow some balls and take action, but it never even crossed my mind. And then there’s the hand signals. Oh, those ****ing hand signals.”

    Christie is referring to the complex series of hand signals that he and his wife communicate with during games. For example, when Doug raises his fist into the air and points his index finger and pinkie skyward, the message is “I love you.” On the other hand, Jackie has her own set of signals. A certain hand formation means “take it to the hole,” and another one means “smile, you look down.” Witnesses say the two communicate 60 to 70 times a game.

    “Talk about pathetic,” said Coach Rick Adelman. “I asked Doug the significance of that hand signal he’s always shooting to his wife, and you know what he tells me? ‘It’s to remind her that I love her and she’s more important than basketball.’ Great, that’s what I wanna hear during a playoff game. This guy needs to go to the Jason Kidd school of relationships, and fast.”

    “I’ve always hated that hand signal bull****,” said Christie. “It started off as a fun, cute thing that I’d do, but now I feel like an air traffic controller. Sometimes I even confuse my teammates. And then there are the times when she is communicating with me. If I get the ‘take it to the hole’ signal, I’m gone. You can bet your ass that’s irritated a few teammates.”

    Christie says he is also very impressed with the relationship that Kidd enjoys with his wife, Joumana.

    “Did you know that he’s allowed to look at other girls? He is. I’m not kidding. If a girl comes up to him, he can just look at her and start speaking to her like an adult. And he doesn’t even have to communicate with his wife during games, save for the little kiss-blowing thing he does, which is more for the TV cameras than for her. Man, he’s got it made. I would love to have that kind of devil-may-care, free wheeling relationship.”

    After hearing about Christie’s change of heart, Kidd was encouraged.

    “Well, that’s good to hear, I’m glad he’s taking what I said to heart,” said Kidd. “I’m sure he loves his wife and all, but that women needs to be stopped. Did you know she once insisted that female reporters not be allowed into the locker room? You would never catch Joumana pulling that ****. She waits outside for me until I’m good and ready. And you know what? She doesn’t follow me around to make sure I don’t cheat on her. She trusts me, which means I get to cheat all I want.”

    Doug, however, maintains that he would never cheat on his wife.

    “Oh, I wouldn’t do that,” he said. “Despite all I’ve said, I do love my wife very much. I have no interest in cheating on her. But that doesn’t mean I want her crawling up my ass every minute and embarrassing the **** out of me. That conversation with Jason was a real eye opener. He’s such a helpful guy. I should send him a card or a bottle of wine or something. From now on, things are gonna be different in the Christie household.”

    When told of her husband’s new approach to the marriage, Jackie Christie was incensed.

    “He said what? First of all, I never gave him permission to talk to that little bastard, Jason Kidd. Secondly, what does he think he’s doing eating dinner in a public place? There are girls out there. For all I know, one could’ve served him dinner. ****ing two timing bastard. And third - he thinks he’s going to start hitting me? Ha. As soon as I see him, I’m gonna give him the thrashing of his life. I’ll teach him about ‘establishing dominance.’ I'm gonna go all Jason Kidd on his ass.”

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