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Thread: For the new members...Speedguide History lesson and who had sex with whom

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    Elite Member ghost's Avatar
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    For the new members...Speedguide History lesson and who had sex with whom

    A blast from the past, in honor of Noevo's triumphant return.


    ghost

    [PIC OF A YOUNG LADY]


    That's my sister Jennifer. When we were younger, we used to have sex when our parents would go out, like to dinner. We'd wait for about 10 minutes, just in case they forgot something, then we'd smoke some pot and get really high and then have at it. It was cool, because when we turned 18 we moved to Amsterdam, and because we shared the last name, everbody thought we were husband and wife, and rightly so, the way we carried on in public, LOL! What a sight we were sometimes, and it was so exciting for us because we didn't know anybody and they had no clue.

    That was many years ago, we're much older now, and the child we had together is now a member of this board, you know him as Noevo.







    Noevo



    Yes, it's true Ghost is my dad. He really should have told the rest of his story though...



    Ghost and mom (his sister) also had another trist right after I was born. They decided it best to try and abort this forsaken child, what with how I turned out and all. But they were not succesful. And thus Brembo was born. Now, you have to realize that brembo was born half man/half woman (more woman of truth be told). In our teen years of "expermentation" Bremba (as she was known then) and I had on occasion made wild monkey love when mom and ghost weren't around. However, we also learned a tough lesson about procreation and shallow gene pools and what not. Born from us was an animal. one that has since somehow managed to blend into society quite well. He has since taken to the name of MadDoctor. This was quite horrfic for bremba to handle and decided to have an operation. He was now only male. a man as much as he could be at least. Thus Brembo was hatched to mask his true identity.



    You see, our family tree is not much more than a stump. The only other family I know of that procreates this much and with as much reckless abandon and shows up at speedguide is the Biggs family



    Sorry Mad Doc, we should have told you sooner.



    *therapy available to all who read this post*







    Ken



    Wait just a minute!

    I was in charge of the family bible! I have the family records...



    As a result of the Noevo & Bremba "fling", they begat MadDoctor, then 4 months later Uody (You may know "it" as UOD2000... )



    It was all over the front page of the "National Inquirerer"



    Ya want links?!?







    UOD



    It's true...It's true...I'm the bastard son of two idiots...who the mother is...I don't know.



    Mommy...if you're out there...I think I have your occipital lobe.



    btw...I always knew me and the good doctor were brothers...everytime he had sex, I would have to scratch my ribs with my right leg!



    Ken



    Brembo's Childbirthing Experience...



    Deep in the backwoods, a woman named Noeva went into labor in the middle of the night, and the MadDoctor was called in to assist in the delivery.



    Since there was no electricity, MadDoc handed Brembo a lantern and said "Here you %$#@*&^, hold this high so I can see what I'm doing. Noeva has never heard of personal hygiene, and it's a jungle down there!"



    Soon, a baby boy named Uody, was brought into the world.



    "Whoa there," said MadDoc. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I can't see clearly through the moss and vines, but I think there's another one comin'. *****, just what we need, another creature from the black lagoon!"



    Sure enough, with in a few minutes, an enormous gas bubble burst, and out came a baby girl named Bremba!



    "No, no, no, you $%#^ing IDIOT! I said don't be in a hurry to put the lantern down...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried MadDoc as he dropped to his knees crying and gaging from the stench.



    Brembo scratched his "jewels", sniffed his finger, then scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked MadDoc,



    "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"....





    Ken



    MadDoc was trying to regain composure. He knew from the bodily noises and erruptions, that he didn't have much time...



    MadDoc yelled out the window to the fellow that was temporarily living in the outhouse, "Randy!, Get in here with the toilet paper and dynamite! Quick!!"



    But it was too late. Another gas bubble emerged. This one had a green fluorescent tint to it. Brembo started scratching again. The "fruits" of his labor reminded him to clean the grime from under his finger nails.



    Scraping his nails on his teeth, Brembo smiled! He now remembered that he hadn't changed his socks in nearly 13 months, since he had to remove his shoes to add up how many times that he and his sister Noeva had slipped out behind the barn trying to produce hybrid off spring.



    He had been saving that toe-jam for a special ocassion, and tonight was the night!



    "Schwaeet success" Brembo belowed as he admired the raisin like object before putting in between his cheek and gum.



    The phosphorous bubble burst just as Randy came rushing through the door!



    MadDoc stumbed over the bed pan, kicked the spittoon, and hit his head on Bremba's pants that were standing up in the corner. He was knocked out cold!



    Randy was in a state of shock. For a second, he thought he was blind. Wiping the film residue from his face, he finally could see.



    Or had he died!?



    Staring at him was the ugliest thing he had saw in his life, except for the time he had walked in on Noeva dressing.



    The gender could not be determined on the horror that he stared at in awe.



    "Macho Module!" cried Brembo as he grabbed the deformed part human, part goat, part lemour and part Chihuahua, baby that had just emerged after the fog settled a bit.







    Ken



    Qwijib0y had been hiding under the bed, scared and fapping with the memories of he and ghostie frolicking naked and running around the old nuclear dump and toxic waste site. Their bodies locked together and glowing on that moonless night.



    Suddenly, he snapped to life at the cries of Bremba, Uody, Macho Module and Mad Doc, who was coming around finally. The putrid smell in the room reminded him that he hadn't had supper yet.



    He wanted cheese! And his Aunt Mother Noeva made the best Fummunda Cheese around! She always had a nice handful "hanging" around for him, keeping it warm.



    Randy had siezed the opportunity and gave MadDoc a milk moustache while doc was laying spread out in the corner from the blow taked by his head, and given to Randy.



    Noeva lifts her head up as Qwijib0y says "Aunt Mamma Noeva, can I have some fummunda cheese?"



    Noeva belches and inhales deeply, then says, "Hurry and run over to your Aunt Blebs house and get DrDoug! MadDoc looks like he wants seconds and yer daddy has gone out side for a little quality time alone with his new daughter Bremba."



    Qwijib0y quickly pulls up Ghosties underwear that he had kept for a keep sake and his britches, out from under the bed he shot!



    Noeva yelled " Qwijib0y, you had better clean that off the wall before yor daddy smells it and comes a running!"



    Qwijib0y quickly gives the wall a quick wipe with his hand and heads for the door. Finger licking good!, he thought as he licked his thumb and made double time to fetch DrDoug...







    Noevo



    I was curious as to how Ken knew so much about our family. SO, I did a little digging. While at my family physician for my annual deworming I asked him if he knew anything of my "familys" origin. Dr. Doolittle stared horrified at me for a second and then he calmly spoke "Noeva my friend, the facts surrounding you and yours have become legend in the medical and scientific fields for quite some time." This of course was a bit of a surprise to me. I had always thought our history was quite secretive. "Could you tell me about it" I sheeply asked. "I know as far back as ghost and his sister, but nothing before that. Could you fill me in as to what happened previous to that horrific night?" Dr. Doolittle, holding back an obvious laugh, responded in what I found to be a quite disturbing manner "lol if you think what happened from ghost to this point in time, i'm not sure you are ready for what led up to that point".



    The final worm removed, a wonderful feeling by the way, I payed my bill as usual and started to leave. But I could not leave well enough alone. I had to know more. So I set up a meeting with the good Dr. so I could find out. We planned to meet later that afternoon in his office. I had four hours to kill which worked out well since I wanted a chance to get myself some liquid courage before hearing what he had to say.







    Noevo



    The time for my meeting with Dr. Doolittle had arrived. I was queasy with anticipation. Or was it the bottle of johnny walker I had just downed? I arrived at the office a few minutes before our scheduled time and was told by the nurse that the doctor would see me shortly. Those words always send a shooting pain through my body. No pain however could prepare me for what I soon learned.



    The doctor greeted me and it was apparent that he had needed some liquid courage also. We staggered back to his office and sat down, somewhere a monkey was throwing a fit. We began with idle chit chat. Both of us fearing what was coming, the truth. "Are you sure you want to know all of it?" he asked, knowing full well that I did. He was stalling. This made me fear what was coming even more. "Might as well know it all if I know any of it." I told him trying to crack a smile but failing. My heart was now beating faster than a jack rabbit on speed screws.



    So it began.



    I was told that ghost was the result of an chance encounter at a trekkie convention. It seems the rumors of Brent and Prey were true. ghost was conceived during a 5 minute break between guest speakers in a broom closet. Horrified already, I told him to go on.



    I was now past the point of turning back. The inital shock over, I dove headlong into what the doctor was saying. mindless of that damn monkey that kept making noise nearby.



    It seems Brent and Prey were not quite as related as the rest of us, but from them up the tree grows closer together. Prey, as it happens, was birthed by EvilAngel and Downhill. No one knows for sure which one did the birthing. Brent was born from BMED and Indy. Now there lines cross a little more closely as both BMED and Indy were born by the same person. As were Downhill and EvilAngel. The story goes that one night in the caribean sea Ken was out on a 3 hour tour and was met by some very bad people. the end result of this "boarding" was that he gave birth to two half-human half-whale babies. BMED and Indy.



    EvilAngel and downhill were not so planned either. There "father" had no clue what was about to happen to his life. While trying to organize some people together on a large project, he ran into some resistance in the form of a human, but obviously not. Approx. 9 months later Philip gave a long and painful birth to Downhill and EvilAngel. Now, this is where are story takes a twist that not even Dr. Doolittle can explain much of. It seems that Ken and Philip had a few "chance encounters" of their own. From this was born the legend of a man named Bouncer. No more info was avavilable on this man. A dark and mysterious (or ashamed) man obviously.



    My head swimming from all the information I had just digested, among other things, I need to ask one more question of the tiring Doctor. I gathered my courage, what was left of it anyway and asked the question. "Where did Ken and Philip come from?" The doctor stared into space and I wasn't sure he heard me, but he had. After a pause that seemed like an eternity his eyes lifted and met mine. And he spoke. "Noeva, all the branches can be traced back to one man. A once proud man, and still wise man." He stopped talking as if he had heard something. I urged him to go on. I was one name away from know our full history, as much as anyone can at this point. I wasn't about to stop now. After some prodding and a few greenbacks to ease his tongue the doctor appeared ready to speak again. He closed his eyes, leaned his head back against the chair and opened his mouth. Nearby a monkey cried. the doctor spoke this one word. One word that will last forever in the minds of many. The word?



    "minir".





    Ken



    Well done Noevo!



    But you didn't quite finish...how daddy Minir came to be...



    I recall the gorry details that me daddy Minir told me of his beginnings...



    Many years ago, on an isolated island, far, far away, in a land that time forgot, there was 7 stranded castaways...



    Hell_Yes, Mouse, Kip, Lobo, TonyT, Humboldt and Mrs Thurston Howell the 69th...



    Out of the menagerie, barbaric and neanderthal sex games became the norm. Norm became the 8th inhabitant of the isle...



    Evolution and revolution inspired the group to pair off and forage to the distant corners of the isle...



    Hell_Yes and TonyT both had eyes for Kip, who was having an affair with Lobo and the young Norm. Norm had a quick fling with an outsider named Gilligan. Mouse and Mrs Howell kept to themselves...The entire group enjoyed the fruits of Humboldt, whose main interests were trapping and breeding the local rodent population to ensure a good healthy food supply...





    Noevo



    Hmmm this book is interesting to say the least It describes MANY trysts between the inhabitants of the island that Ken mentioned. For instace, it tells of a tryst between Kip, Lobo, and Norm. It seems that one night while enjoying each others company there was a "spill". And from it arose John. Another tale mentions a horrid meeting on the beach between Hell_Yess and TonyT where the end result is Messiah. From what I can tell Messiah and John got together one night and from them Nightowl was born. I'm tellin' ya, this is one messed up bunch.



    Anyway, to the guts of the story...



    Theres a section the describes how minir came to be. There appears to have been a somewhat secret location on the island where these folks like to go by themselves or in pairs



    Apparently Nightowl had a reputation for some incredible cave drawings of "heavenly bodies" there. As you can imagine, near this place, forever known as Speedguide, the devoloped a horrifically potent pool of genes and DNA. This pool was full of everyone, so to speak. A little bit of mouse, a smidgin of Kip, a smattering of Hell_Yes, and a tiny bit of TonyT. All the others had "left their mark" there as well. Lobo especially had a high number of "visits". The book tells of a night that all the inhabitants gathered at this place to discuss some politics and religion. A highly intense debate ensued. Sparks flew, more DNA was spilled. It evens tells of the possibility that some monkey genes were spilled into the pool. After things died down and they all retreated to their caves for the night a lone spark could be seen near the pool. No one noticed this.



    A few weeks went by and no one returned to speedguide for it was scary . One day, while Hell_Yes was visiting and noticed something very peculiar. The pool seemed to be alive. And not with the sound of music, but with knowledge and wisdom of the ages. The people were amazed at the wisdom that grew out of this mess. From then on Speedguide became a very popular place and the people flocked to it. After a year or so of gestation. the pool known as speedguide gave birth to it's seed.



    And thus, minir was born. a little piece of us all in him, and vice versa.







    Ken



    Yes, John was of Kip, Norm and Lobo, but another was begat from the "Terrible Trio" Banshee...

    And from a hot summer night, in the heat of passion, Banshee and Norm begat Immortal...



    Now TonyT and Hell_Yes had begat Messiah, and their relationship started to crumble. TonyT claimed that he took Mrs Thurston Howell the 69th fishing, as he reaked of rotten fish, but was wearing womens underwear, that he received as a gift from Humboldt, when they showed up with CoolJ in tow. All we know is that TonyT was constipated and without a bowel movement for a little over 8 months... Being called **** retentive was really getting the best of him and his emotions, so he ran away to breed rats with Humboldt.



    Very ironic that the two "lesser endowed" members of the family ended uo together. But the rats didn't seem to mind their ocassional 34-some. Man did those 2 get some tail! And soon lil SG'ers were showing up like rats! Immortal, Funk & MikeMean- who were Siamese Twins and joined just above the waist, ssjDoh, Splash, and probably close to 800 still born...



    Now Banshee and Humboldt was often seen "locked" up like dogs and soon S1lver was nursing from both of them...



    TonyT went to Hell_Yes for comforting and soon begat SeedOfChaos and his "Gay" twin BloomOfChaos.

    We are not sure, but we believe that Mouse mad Bloom Stew one night and then was feeling frisky and jumped Funk&MikeMeans bones thus Blebs and DrDoug were born, again Siamese Twins.

    Blebs and DrDoug were separated, but ending up getting back together, as they were "made for each other". They had Bala.



    John and Banshee's first was Nightowl, then they "tag teamed" with Funk and MikeMean and produced one of our most embarrassing family members, the MadDoc...



    MadDoc had an animal fetish and many flings, with unspeakables, but Grimmy was welcomed after a pot of chile con carne and the explotions that followed. MadDoc swore he was on the pill and Grimmy was a freak of nature... You have to make that decision for yourself as I reserve comment for fear of self incrimination...



    Science has not figured out how yet, but Funk & Mikemean fertilized themself and out came CC, you may know him as Cisco Certified, we know him as certified nut!



    Ahhh, it is time for my electro shock treatment so maybe sweet Noeva can bring us up on a bit...



    Stay tuned...







    Noevo



    Okay, we've looked at the past now it's time to look a little more closely at the present.



    This next chapter is maybe more amusing than scary, of course that depends on your perspective. It has the accounts of more recent additions to the family. Of course, the more recent additions also have their roots a little further back, but for the sake of our sanity we will discuss one famous pairing that has spawned many of them. It tells of a insatiable siren and a wordy young fellow. It seems this young "man" was always flirting and trying to get in good with this woman men just appeared to be drawn to. They say she had a sexual appetite that rivaled that of another famous woman (for whom another story and branch are waiting for her and her cohert. [tease] initials of this pair are MD and M[/tease]. Anyway, back to our young man and his neverending pursuit of his goal. He was always writing this woman poetry in hopes of wooing her away from the one she was already with. She did nothing to discourage this behavior and everything to encourage it. The boy just did not know what he was getting in to. Then one day, while our sirens other half was off slaying beasts of the worst kind, she decided to give in to her young suitor and see what developed. After finally telling him to shut up with the poems she gave herself to him. After hours of fumbling he figured out what to do. They're coupling lasted for many moons and spawned many prominant people in our tree.



    Thus we describe the branch that is Splash and Paft.



    From them was had JCOS and Terrancelam who hit it off right away and did the horizontal bop many a time, resulting in ace420 and MMC.



    Also born from Splash and Paft was a child who never really fully developed a good vocabulary. You may know him as Jesse23.



    Jesse ended up pairing of with another of Splash and Pafts offspring and have a very odd child themselves. Koribouros was born of Jesse23 and Ping.



    to be continued...





    Noevo



    We come to a very sticky branch in our tree at this point. It concerns a pairing that has been kept very quiet for some time. As you all have seen Mad Doc has been chasing mouse like a tom cat chase a...well...a mouse. Over the years mouse has given the impression of playing hard to get. And Doc always giving the impression that he never quite "caught" mouse. This could not be farther from the truth. Mouse and Mad Doc have been having relations for years. As cheesy as it sounds, this has been kept quiet to protect their um...products. You see, they have been very influencial on the tree as well. Unfortunately, with every new birth, that child seemed to have less inteligence than the last. This has really come to be bare itself of late.



    Let us now take a look at some of the early children that they had. Conceived one night while mad doc and mouse were watching the underwater submarine races at a duck pond, RoundEye was born. Some say the duc pond was the reason that he is do endeared to duc's still to this day. Now, on another "date" they spent many hours watching a marathon of bad movies. Out of this event was born BigJimSlate. It seemed everytime they got together mad doc and mouse produced another offspring. Night on the town, bam! Snake was born. Weekend in the mountains, ZOWIE! Exarkun was born. Day trip to an art gallery, WHAM! Martiangod was born.



    In there later years is really where you can see that they should have stopped having kids. The intelect seemed to be drained from both of them and there was none left to pass on. Lord_Yuri and Linux Dawg were two of these examples. However, theres knot in the stump here. Linux Dawg who was known by many names, including ColdFusion, had on occasion like to play make believe. One day he convinced Lord_Yuri that he was actually a pretty college aged girl. This get together was damned from the beginning. All attempts to prevent the births that resulted fell short. And we are left with two very "distinctive" members of our tree. What could possibly be so horrible you ask? Well, what we got from this meeting should not be seen alone, or in public. Thats right, born of Lord_Yuri and Linux Dawg or a pair of children that have already paired off and started there own branch. The results of which we may not want to know. Those children?



    Christopher561 and Athalonxpkid. Thank you very much Mad Doc and mouse.



    And so it ends. In the years that come we will for sure have many more additions, and most likely even some more horrid results then we have had already. But for now, we are done. Let this serve as a reminder. Please, be careful of who's gene pool you are swimming in. You just may end up swimming with Mad Doc or Bremba or Ken or worse.


  2. #2
    Between Light & Shadows Unholy's Avatar
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    Care to summarize that into a nice short paragraph? You lost me at "A"

  3. #3
    SpeedFreak
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    I've never actually read the whole thing but I know my name is in there a few times

  4. #4
    Murders & Executions Cypher's Avatar
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    So Ken is kinda the trunk of this sparsely branched family tree?

  5. #5
    Elite Member ghost's Avatar
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    It's a classic thread started long ago which explains how some members came into being. I just posted it for those who care to learn the interrelationships.

  6. #6
    SG DC Team Member lance-tek's Avatar
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    oh, this thread has been around for years ... I remember digging it up and a few others years ago just to read them again ...


    there is a page or site that someone did that has a little collection of the SG stories from years ago .... long before I started really hanging in the Gen forum ... But, I found them humorous as hell

    -lance
    A mistake does not become an error until one refuses to correct it

    Folding for the future

  7. #7
    Assistant Admin Ken's Avatar
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    It's true...It's true...I'm the bastard son of two idiots...who the mother is...I don't know
    OMG! I remember LMAO when Uoddy posted that!

    Those posts were made during the time that I was blitzed on pain killerz with my hand... Oh how I luv to post on pain killas!

    Ghost, I archived some of those threads, if you locate the rest, link me baby...

    Hey Lance,
    Qwijib0 has them on his server as does Noevo...

  8. #8
    Elite Member ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ken
    OMG! I remember LMAO when Uoddy posted that!

    Those posts were made during the time that I was blitzed on pain killerz with my hand... Oh how I luv to post on pain killas!

    Ghost, I archived some of those threads, if you locate the rest, link me baby...

    Hey Lance,
    Qwijib0 has them on his server as does Noevo...
    Hey Ken, I only archived that one, and I got it from Noevo's site a while back. I didn't remember that you were on painkillers then, LOL!

  9. #9
    Junior Member MadDoctor's Avatar
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    I love fathers day. So many cards... so many "things".
    People will forget what you said... and people will forget what you did... but people will never forget how you made them feel.

  10. #10
    Junior Member MadDoctor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ghost
    I didn't remember that you were on painkillers then, LOL!
    I do!
    People will forget what you said... and people will forget what you did... but people will never forget how you made them feel.

  11. #11
    Elite Member ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MadDoctor
    I do!
    Yeah, because you gave them to him!

  12. #12
    Junior Member MadDoctor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ghost
    Yeah, because you gave them to him!
    People will forget what you said... and people will forget what you did... but people will never forget how you made them feel.

  13. #13
    Junior Member MadDoctor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by John
    I never got my card, spawn.
    Did you get the hooker I sent you?
    People will forget what you said... and people will forget what you did... but people will never forget how you made them feel.

  14. #14
    Junior Member MadDoctor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by John
    The 8ft tall aboriginal man? Yup.
    Cool
    People will forget what you said... and people will forget what you did... but people will never forget how you made them feel.

  15. #15
    Assistant Admin Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ghost
    Hey Ken, I only archived that one, and I got it from Noevo's site a while back. I didn't remember that you were on painkillers then, LOL!
    Yeah, I either had contacted a flesh eating bacteria after cutting my hand on barnacles when the dock broke (I think that Philip really pushed me... ) or maybe it was from the time that I was scratching my butt and a hook worm bite me... I am not sure, except that I remember being wasted!

  16. #16
    Assistant Admin Ken's Avatar
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    Ghost made me bump this thread... Although, it could have been the devil that made me do it...

  17. #17
    Best In Show Noevo's Avatar
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    never saw the bump in august! thanks pops

  18. #18
    The Folding General General_Jack_As's Avatar
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    That's a long ass read, but I enjoyed it!

    Thanks!
    God Bless America

  19. #19
    Assistant Admin Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by General_Jack_As
    That's a long ass read, but I enjoyed it!

    Thanks!
    I can't speak for Ghost and Noevo, but I was totally wasted on pain killers when I wrote it... (The parts that I wrote anyways) There is so many one liners in there that I still laugh my a$s off when I read it...

    Here is one of the original threads...
    http://forums.speedguide.net/showthr...5&page=1&pp=40

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